To Live or Not To Live
by Silver on the Tree
Summary: What if Kanan had given birth before she killed herself?
1. Default Chapter

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.

Hakkai

Fifteen years had passed, since I lost her. So many things had happened since then.

But still I hated myself for not being able to save her. For having failed.

I'd promised her I'd always be there for her. But I broke that promise. When she needed me most, I wasn't there.

How could I not have known? Why didn't I sense it? Why didn't I have a hunch, or a premonition? Anything?

That was what I told Gojyo, a little while after I met him.

He told me I was thinking my love for her hadn't been enough, but that wasn't a good enough reason to blame myself for what had happened to her.

I suppose he's right. But still…that sense of failure hasn't left me. I should have been able to protect her. I should have been strong enough.

I can't even remember how long it took me to reach the castle and find her. In any case it had taken me too long…by the time I got there it was too late.

She'd already gone through so much suffering, so that she couldn't take it. If only I had gotten there sooner…maybe she wouldn't have killed herself.

Those thoughts continued to haunt me for years after. I tried to forget, tried to ignore the pain, tried to push away the nightmares that haunted my sleep…but always the memory was there. The memory of having failed her, the memory of the crimes I had committed as I lashed out in pain and anger.

At some point, I just accepted it: these inner demons were going to haunt me forever, and there was nothing I could do about it. I would just have to live with the pain. This was my punishment for the crimes I had committed, for the blood that was on my hands.

Until that night. The night I found her.

It had been years after the whole Gyumao incident. Sanzo and Goku hade gone back to the temple, while Gojyo and I settled in a nearby town.

That night I stayed late at school, checking test papers.

It was one of those nights; those rainy nights when I remembered Kanan more clearly than ever. In fact, that was the reason I had taken so long checking those tests.

The rain was pouring down by the time I finally left with Hakuryu, and it was pitch dark, so I could barely make out the shapes of the buildings.

In the end, it was Hakuryu who tugged at my sleeve and pointed out the alleyway.

I thought someone was waiting to attack me, so I was wary as I entered.

But then I saw a figure lying on the ground, and as I came closer I realized it was a girl, about fifteen years old. She had wounds all over her body, and appeared to have lost a lot of blood. Her clothes were torn and she was half-naked. It seemed like she had been lying there for hours.

My eyes widened and a sharp pain seared through me; for a moment I was overwhelmed as in my mind's eye I saw Kanan, lying on the ground in the same way.

But then I looked back at the girl, and a fierce determination hardened in me, just the way it did every time a girl who distinctly reminded me of Kanan was in trouble. 

I would not let this girl die.

I used my chi to close her wounds, then lifted her into my arms and jumped into Hakuryu, who had already turned into a Jeep.

The windows of the doctor's house were dark as I banged on their door with my foot.

His wife opened the door, still in her nightclothes but looking awake and alert.

"Please," I said, "I found this girl lying in an alley, she's badly hurt – "

She ushered me into the house without another word and led me to the doctor's clinic, where he stood waiting – apparently they were accustomed to getting patients late at night.

I got the shock of my life as I laid her on the examination table and the doctor's wife lit a gas lamp; as the light fell across the girl's face, I saw that the girl had red hair, somewhat like Gojyo's – not only that, but she looked so much like Kanan.

It was almost more than I could take. Once again images of Kanan flashed through my mind.

The doctor glanced at me, and I stared back anxiously, praying he wasn't the kind who discriminated against taboo children.

But without another word he set to work, telling me that even though I had done a good 

job on closing her wounds, but she had lost too much blood and needed a transfusion.

I donated my blood, and he began the operation.

I sat on a bench by the door and buried my face in my hands, trying to sort through the chaos that reigned in my mind. If this girl doesn't survive, I thought wildly, I'm going to go insane.

After what seemed like hours, the doctor told me she would be fine and would recover in a couple of weeks.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and the doctor gave me a strange look. 

"Are you her father?" he asked.

I gazed at him in shock. "No!" I replied. "I just found her in an alley – or rather, my dragon did." 

I beckoned towards Hakuryu, who lay curled up on the bench, asleep.

"Strange," he replied, "I would have said there was a family resemblance between the two of you…if not for her red hair and eyes."

Well, at least I wasn't the only one who had thought so.

"I'm afraid, though, that we won't be able to keep her here," the doctor said. "It's not a question of having enough room, but we already have three patients staying with us and my wife cannot tend to one more."

"Oh, well, in that case I suppose she can stay with me, till she recovers," I heard myself say.

The doctor smiled. "That would be very good," he replied. "We will keep her here just for today, but tomorrow you may move her to your home."  
Today? I thought blankly. Then I looked out the window and realized that the sun was rising. 

In a few hours, I thought wearily, I'm going to have to go back to school.

Gojyo

"You look terrible," I said frankly as Hakkai walked out of the school building. And he did. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked as though he was about to fall asleep right then and there.

It was his lunch break, and I sometimes waited for him outside the school, particularly when I was broke. Not because I lost at gambling – no one, except maybe Hakkai could beat me – but because I just hadn't felt like it. Sometimes my life was so easy I thought of getting a job. But that would mean less time with the ladies.

Hakkai just smiled his usual smile, but still it looked a little strained. 

I wondered if he was all right; it had rained pretty hard last night, and rain usually reminded Hakkai of Kanan. And because of that, he usually didn't get to sleep well either. But I'd never seen him this tired…

"I stayed late checking a lot of papers," Hakkai explained. "And, well, on the way home Hakuryu spotted a girl lying in an alleyway. She was badly hurt, so I took her to the clinic. She needed a blood transfusion, and I ended up staying at the clinic till dawn to see if she was all right."

I didn't exactly know what to say to that, so I just grinned in my perverted way and asked, "Is she pretty?"  
Hakkai laughed at that and replied, "She's fifteen. But yes, I suppose…"

Then he got this look in his eyes, the kind of look he had when he was thinking of Kanan. His eyes would cloud over and have this expression of infinite sadness in them…

You know how people say your eyes are the windows to your soul? I can vouch for that; no matter how much Hakkai smiles, I can always tell how he really feels by looking at his eyes. 

I raised an eyebrow but decided it was better to say nothing. If it was something that really bothered him, he would tell me, sooner or later.

He seemed to have noticed the look on my face, though, so he continued, "The doctor couldn't handle having another patient at his house, so I offered to let her stay with me, till she recovers. It's strange," he added, looking at me, "the doctor thought I was her father. Because…she looked so much like Kanan."  
Again I was at a loss of what to say. 

There was a long silence as we continued to walk, until I said finally, "You sure you want to take her in like that, then? If she reminds you of Kanan so much?"

"What else could I do?" Hakkai replied. "I couldn't just leave her alone…_especially _since she looks so much like Kanan."

I didn't bother to hide the concern in my eyes as I said, "Yeah, well, don't go thinking of her as Kanan, okay? Listen, you should probably get some sleep. You look like you're going to drop dead."

"What about you?" Hakkai protested as I took him by the shoulders, turned him around and began to push him home.

"Oh, I'll probably get one of the lady restaurant owners to give me a meal on credit," I replied dismissively. "Go home, you won't be able to take care of the kid if you're exhausted."

I walked him all the way home, then gazed at the door for a couple of seconds after I had pushed him in and closed it.

"Ch," I said in disgust as my stomach rumbled, "I'm getting too soft."

Yokan

I opened my eyes.

Everything was blurry at first, and I heard a voice say, "Oh, I see you're awake!"

My vision cleared, and I saw a man smiling down at me.

I stared back in confusion and I realized I was particularly comfortable; I was on a bed. And someone was _smiling _at me. _Smiling_.

I hadn't slept on a bed in a long time. And no one had smiled at me in years. I had forgotten what it was like to be smiled at.

I had gotten glares more than anything, all my life.

I understood that. 

So why was this man smiling at me? Had I died, and then ended up in Heaven? There must be some mistake then. I belonged in Hell.

"How are you feeling?" the man continued.

It took me a second to find my voice. "I don't know," I said slowly. "Comfortable."

The man laughed gently. Another surprising thing.

What was going on here?

Then the memories came flooding back.

Unclean. I was unclean now…more unclean than I thought I could be.

I had been starving. I was weak.

Otherwise I could have fought off those men easily. 

I could have stopped one of them from doing what he had done.

He had been looking at me the whole time I stayed in that village…but I was off my guard. I assumed that being a taboo child, everyone would stay away, except maybe to throw stones and shout insults.

Right, I was unclean…I had gone through a lot of bad things, but I never thought this could happen to me…

I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

I never thought I could hate myself more, but now I did.

_I lay in that alley for hours. The sun rose, then set again, and it began to rain._

_I'd lost a lot of blood, I probably had a concussion too. My body was covered in bruises, and I was half-naked, my blouse torn in front._

_But I didn't care. I was done with this._

_I wanted to die._

_I closed my eyes and waited in the darkness._

_The rain poured down._

A/N: Okay…so, reviews would be greatly appreciated! I haven't watched the whole series yet and this is my first Saiyuki fan fic so I really would appreciate your help. Please??


	2. Chapter 2

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 2       

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.

Hakkai

I laughed at the girl's response, and the uncertain look on her face.

What with the injuries she had sustained, "comfortable" was the last thing I had expected her to say. 

But then I stopped as soon as I saw the expression on her face. She had closed her eyes tightly and was biting her lip, as though she were trying to push something out of her mind. 

A wave of sadness swept over me; it had been threatening to for some time now, and I found that I could no longer keep it at bay.

It hurt, seeing this girl in such obvious pain, this girl who looked so much like my Kanan and had doubtless gone through the same things my beloved had experienced. 

It hurt to imagine the kind suffering they had both had to endure.

It hurt to remember how I had failed Kanan.

_Don't go thinking of her as Kanan, okay?_ Suddenly Gojyo's words rang in my head. I was falling apart just by looking at this girl, and I couldn't let that happen, not if I was to take care of her till she recovered. 

I managed to pull myself together before the girl opened her eyes again. 

Just looking at them put me through another struggle to get a handle on my emotions. Her eyes, they had this dead look in them…it was the look of someone who had already given up.

"You should have just let me die," she said softly.

"And why is that?" Finally my mask settled in its place, and I kept my voice light as I asked my question.

The girl smiled. However, her smile was a bitter one as she told me quite frankly, "Because I have nothing left to live for. I never did. I'm sorry you went through all this trouble to rescue me. I'd pay you back if I could, but I have nothing to give."  
I just continued to smile, the way I usually did. "Well, perhaps you could pay me back by deciding your life is worth living after all."  
The girl looked startled at my reply, but then she said softly, "Maybe." 

It didn't sound at all like a hopeful 'maybe'; it was more like the kind of 'maybe' you give someone when you're reluctant to say no.

I decided to leave it at that anyway. Given time, she might just change her mind. Hopefully. 

Then I realized I hadn't told her my name. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Cho Hakkai."

"My name is Yokan," the girl replied. "I'm not sure of my last name, though."  
"Are you hungry?" I asked.

"I don't know…" Yokan said, but her stomach growled in response and she looked embarrassed at this.

I chuckled and replied, "All right then, I'll make you some soup."

I could feel the girl's eyes following me as I left the room.

I closed the door then leaned against it. I ran a hand over my face and sighed. What kind of mess had I gotten myself into?

You'd think that after 15 years, I'd have moved on.  That the pain might have lessened, that I'd have healed. But on rainy nights, and especially now, I was reminded that that wasn't the case. 

I may have had a million experiences, learned a million lessons, matured over the years. But somehow, there were moments when I knew my grief had barely lessened. It made me question how much I had really grown.

Could I really handle this? Being reminded of Kanan every time I saw Yokan? What if one of these days, I just suddenly went insane?  
Well, in any case…it was too late now, and there was no way I was going to let myself go crazy. I had already taken the girl in, and abandoning her is the last thing I would do. I would just have to deal with it somehow. 

I walked down the hallway to the kitchen. 

Rays of the afternoon sunlight filtered in through the windows, and all was quiet, save for the chirping of the birds outside.

I hated it. Silence gave you too much time to think. Silence was when your thoughts pressed upon you and refused to leave you alone.

Who knows? Maybe that's why, years ago, when we were on that journey of ours, Goku and Gojyo's fights never really bothered me. Maybe that's why now, I spend almost all my time at the local school, where all I can hear is the endless chattering of my students. 

Most people would have liked the silence; they would have found it peaceful, relaxing. But any real peace had been lost to me once Kanan was gone.

Peace…peace was seeing her smile, her smile which was always honest, always sincere, which never failed to light up my world. Her smile, so unlike mine, because my smiles were only a defense mechanism.

Peace was coming home to that smile. Peace was waking up with her lying in my arms. Peace was spending those quiet afternoons with her. Peace was…

I shook my head. I had to keep myself from drifting off so much. And besides, Yokan was waiting. Goodness knows that girl was all skin and bones.

Yokan

The next few days were a little strange for me.

Just a little while ago I'd been lying in a dark alleyway with the rain pouring down, waiting to die. The next thing I knew I was in some bright, sunlit room on a comfortable bed with this guy smiling down at me like there wasn't a care in the world. And then for the next few days he took care of me and watched over me like it was nothing.

I'd forgotten that people like him existed.

I knew I ought to be grateful, but…I couldn't help but think, if only I had met him sooner, before I was so ready to die. Then maybe things would be all right.

But it was too late now. Just too many things had happened, and the will to live was lost to me completely.

Still, Hakkai _had_ already rescued me, and there was nothing more I could do. I couldn't care less what was going to happen to my life after this. 

I closed my eyes again as that feeling of complete worthlessness overwhelmed me. 

I gritted my teeth as I covered my ears and curled into a ball, trying to shut out the images that invaded my mind.

_"Not too bad, for a half-breed," he whispered. "I could almost say you were beautiful."_

_I winced as I felt his hot breath against my ear._

_We were both sweaty all over, sweat mixed with blood and grime and tears. My blood. My tears._

_He got up and buttoned his pants, then gave my body one last kick before leaving._

_I hardly felt it._

_I lay on the ground, frozen, unable to do anything but stare up at the sky, which was dark with rain clouds. _

_My mind was still trying to process what had just happened._

_I wasn't aware of anything except how unclean I was. I could scrub myself a million times, till my skin was rubbed raw, but I would still be unclean. _

_I felt a drop of water splash on my cheek. And then on my palm. In a matter of minutes the rain began to pour down._

_I'd always liked the rain. I liked the way the rain seemed to wash the world, leaving it clean and new afterwards. Provided I wasn't outside._

_Thank you rain, for at least trying to wash everything away.__ The sweat, the blood, the grime, the tears. But I've already been soiled._

But even then, it wasn't just that.

What was really killing me, what had killed me was that now I understood completely. I knew exactly what my mother had gone through in having me, and how she must have hated me so much. My existence alone had ruined her life, and it drove her to the point of killing herself. And she thought she was killing me, too. In that way, I felt I had cheated her of the peace she deserved.

Oh, I hated myself so much. 

I felt the tears begin to flow down my cheeks.

Just then, I heard a knock at the door and realized that Hakkai was coming in. 

I straightened immediately and wiped my eyes, trying to look as though I hadn't been crying.

"Good afternoon, Yokan," he said, smiling as usual. "I hope you're hungry?"

I swallowed and nodded. 

"Good, you'll get better more quickly if you eat enough," he said cheerfully as he put a tray down on the bedside table.

I took the glass of water and drank, trying to make the lump in my throat go away.

Fortunately Hakkai didn't seem to notice anything, and I was grateful for that.

I just ate and continued to keep silent till the urge to cry was gone. 

Then, as I was halfway through my lunch it occurred to me that from what I'd seen, Hakkai had stayed home for the last two days. Didn't he have a job or something?

 "Hakkai?" I asked. "I was just wondering, don't you have to go to work or anything? I mean…"  
Hakkai smiled. "I teach at the local school. But it's the weekend, so there's no classes."

"Oh," was all I had to say to that. I'd lost track of the days of the week a long time ago.

"Speaking of which, tomorrow's a Monday, so I'll have to leave you here alone. I'll come home during lunch break to cook, but I might ask a friend to check on you too. Is that all right?"

"I guess…" I replied. "If you really want to." To be honest, I was still wondering why he was going to all this trouble for a complete stranger like me.

"It would make me feel better," Hakkai admitted.

"Why do you care so much?" I asked abruptly.

Hakkai looked pretty taken aback by the question, and I realized how ungrateful the question sounded when that wasn't really what I meant. I just really wanted to know was all. I added, "I mean, considering…" I tugged at my hair and pointed at my eyes to emphasize my point.

Hakkai chuckled, and there seemed to be a hint of relief in his face. "What you are doesn't matter to me. I don't believe in those superstitions."  
I just stared at him in awe.

What was the matter with this world? All my life I'd been despised for being a taboo child. I was driven out of almost every town I entered, so that I never dared to stay long. People would throw stones at me, and, if they dared to touch me, beat me and kick me. Those who didn't kept their distance and whispered to each other while giving me furtive looks. My whole life had been like that. Then suddenly along comes this man who takes care of me and feeds me, and says _it doesn't matter?_ The whole thing was so ironic it almost made me cry again. 

Then I noticed that as I stared at him, he was looking right back at me. And despite the fact that he was still smiling, there was this look of intense sorrow in those green eyes of his. It wasn't pity. And somehow I knew that he'd been through something painful, too. There was just _something _in his eyes that seemed to reflect the torment I was feeling in my soul. Green eyes, greener than the grass, filled with some unknown grief. There was something very familiar about those eyes. 

I felt even more bewildered as I realized this, and I also had the uncomfortable feeling that he was reading every single thing that was going on in my head.

I looked away, feeling very awkward, and he seemed to come back to himself too. The sound of his uneasy laughter shattered the silence in the room. 

"I seem to have drifted off," he remarked, putting a hand behind his head sheepishly. "Well…please excuse me while I wash the dishes."

But then as he bent down to pick up the tray, our eyes met again. This time, however, as he smiled his eyes seemed to reassure me that whatever had just happened back there, it was all right.

I almost smiled back as this wave of relief washed over me and the awkwardness in the room was gone as he walked out the door and closed it behind him.

A/N: Well…I really hope you enjoyed that chapter! I'm sorry I took forever to update, but I've been having difficulty battling my writer's block, PLUS I just finished Chapter 2 when a virus came up in my folder and I had to delete everything to get rid of it!! NOOOOOO!!! So I had to start all over again. I'm still not entirely happy with the way this chapter came out, but after rewriting it thrice I decided to just post it and see what you guys think. I hope this chapter doesn't drag or anything…Comments and criticisms are very much welcome, so long as it's constructive! ^_^ Oh and by the way, thanks so much for your reviews everyone, they made my day! (week, actually)

**Dream-eater-is-hungry:** Thanks! ^_^ 

**Winged Nothingness:** Hey, update your fic soon, ok?

**h@d0wGrl: **Like I've said, update your fic soon please! (gosh I am such a hypocrite)

**UltraM2000: **Glad you think so! About the age difference, what did you mean by 7 years? But anyways I'm going to try and answer that question in the next chapter = ) By the way, I loved Smile of the Father!! I'll get around to reading your other fics soon! And read The Dark Is Rising!!

**Firnheledien****: **Yay! I'm definitely trying to avoid turning Yokan into a Mary-Sue…I have to admit that was a problem with a Dark Is Rising fic I wrote…

**Alowl****:** Wow, I'm flattered! ^_^

**Leshi****: **Yup! Just so you know, Sanzo and Goku really do come into the fic later on. 

**yorokabi**** ^^: ***points* KIM! Why did you not attend fencing classes?! *grabs Sanzo's fan, then changes her mind and pokes Kim non-stop with her fencing sword*

**Battle**** Mynt: **Yeah, I know… I need to work on my descriptions *sweatdrop* ^_^


	3. Chapter 3

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 3       

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.

A/N: Whew, I finally got this chapter out! Well, actually two chapters; I meant to put it all in 1 chapter but it ended up reaching 10 pages, so I split it into two. There's just a couple of things I had to get down before I got to Gojyo, so I hope this doesn't drag, and that I'm not suffocating you guys with all this angst ^_^;

And also, you should know I was just too lazy to check these two chapters as obsessively as I did with the previous ones, so I'll correct any mistakes, big or small as soon as I can. I guess I was just kind of excited to post this already.

So…again I hope you enjoy the next two chapters, thanks so much for all your reviews!

Hakkai

I didn't entirely understand what had just happened back there; all I knew was that when Yokan stared at me, I thought it was just because of what I said. 

But then this look of comprehension came into her eyes, and she gazed at me as though she saw something entirely new.

In fact I had the feeling that she'd realized something about me just by looking into my eyes, and that unsettled me a bit.

I had to wonder, what had she seen in my eyes that had made her stare so?

Did she see the eyes of a murderer, who had the blood of a thousand demons on his hands? Did she see the eyes of a man who had committed incest, and paid dearly for it?

Yes, sometimes I thought I lost Kanan not because I wasn't strong enough, but because of my sins. Because I'd always deserved it. It seemed that no matter how I looked at it the blame always came back to me, and not only I but Kanan had paid the price. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of self-hate, and I knew it.

I also knew Gojyo would be irked if he found out, but I couldn't seem to help it.

I sighed again for what must have been the hundredth time that day.

For the past few days I really couldn't seem to stop thinking of Kanan. Partly because of Yokan, and partly because what with the silence that came with staying home, there was hardly anything to distract me from my thoughts.   
My only respite was in the books I'd collected over the years. But even then, some of them reminded me of Kanan.

_"So…this is the place," Gojyo said, looking up at the house. He then turned to me. "Are you sure you want to do this?"_

_"Yes," I said, gazing at the door. I noted the new, probably more secure lock underneath the doorknob. Pity I hadn't thought of that, I thought wryly. _

_Yes, this was the house I had once shared with Kanan. Now that our long journey was over, I felt I had to return to this place before I settled down again somewhere else. It was just something I had to do. _

_However, seeing this place again pained me, and Gojyo had seen that and become concerned. This house had held so many happy memories for me…and one nightmare that overshadowed the rest._

_I took a deep breath, then walked up to the door and knocked._

_As I waited I could hear sounds of activity going on inside, children's voices in particular._

_"Hiroshi, please stop tugging your sister's hair!" someone scolded._

_Then the door opened and the woman who had opened it gave me a strange look. "Hello, how may I help you?"  
"Good afternoon, I'm Cho Ha – Cho Gono. I used to live here a few years ago, and I was wondering if you still have any of my old possessions?" I asked._

_As soon as she heard my name, the woman's expression changed from suspicion to sympathy, and she said, "Yes, please come in. We're still using your furniture, but somet of your things are still up in the attic."_

_"Thank you," I said. "This is my friend, Sha Gojyo."_

_"Good afternoon, ma'am," Gojyo smiled at the woman in a way that was almost seductive. "Pleased to meet you."  
The woman raised an eyebrow, then stepped back to let us in. _

_I walked into the room, and from that moment on every minute was a struggle to contain myself. I could see Kanan everywhere, and memories flooded into my mind so that I was almost felt dizzy._

_"This way, please," the woman said, and she led us up the stairs. _

_I didn't need her to show me the way; I knew exactly where the attic was. I'd lived here once, after all. But I let her lead me anyway; I expected she wouldn't want to leave a complete stranger wandering around the house, even if it was just the previous owner._

_"Well, here it is," she opened the door to the attic. "Take your time, I'll be downstairs if you need anything."  
"Thank you," I smiled politely and bowed._

_She nodded in reply and went down the stairs._

_Gojyo__ looked at me expectantly, and I went inside, stooping so that my head wouldn't hit the low ceiling._

_It was dark in the attic, the only light showing through a few small holes in the roof. There was a dusty smell in the air, and the floor was covered in dirt so that as I walked I made footprints._

_I formed a ki ball in my hand so I could see better._

_There were two boxes and a wooden chest; I recognized it as the one that held all my old books._

_I opened the chest and was greeted with the smell of paper and more dust. _

_I heard Gojyo sneeze as he bent down beside me._

_"Do you need a handkerchief?" I asked, knowing he was a little allergic to dust._

_"No thanks," he said, wiping his nose with one hand. "I got it under control."_

_I turned back to the chest._

_Yes, it was still all there._

_The first thing I saw was two copies of _Gensomaden Saiyuki_, and at this I gave a small smile._

_One was nearly falling apart; the pages old and yellow, the cover barely hanging on to the spine._

_I used to read this book so often that when I left the orphanage the nuns let me keep it as a sort of goodbye present. _

_The second copy looked a lot newer; the cover was dusty, but no damage had been done to it, and the pages were just beginning to turn yellow. This one had been given to me by Kanan on my 19th birthday, after she saw the condition the first copy was in. _

_ I closed the chest. _

_"Well, here it is," I said, turning to Gojyo and smiling. "This is what I came back for."_

_Gojyo__ gazed at me for a couple of seconds, then said, "Okay then, let's go."_

I shook myself out of the flashback. I ended up donating everything but the chest to charity. That chest was in a corner of my room, beside a bookshelf.

Later that night, as I was about to go to bed I heard a loud _thud_ from Yokan's room.

I opened the door and found her lying in a fetal position on the floor, tangled among the blankets. She was sobbing, loud sobs that seemed to wrench themselves out of her. Her eyes were tightly closed.

I rushed to her side and bent over her. 

"Yokan, what's wrong?" I asked as I pulled her up into a sitting position.

I pushed her hair away from her face, which was covered in sweat and tears.

"My mother hates me!" she cried out.

"What?"  
Yokan just continued to cry, so I drew her into my arms and let her lean against me as I tried to calm her down.

"Why does she hate you?"

"I ruined her life!" Yokan replied. "It was so bad she killed herself!"  
My eyes widened in shock and my heart skipped a beat. Once again I saw Kanan in her prison cell, and the look on her face as she slit her own throat.

I looked down, but all I could see was the blood-red hair on Yokan's head as she buried her face in my chest, her hands clutching my shirt.

She was so obviously distressed, her body shaking with sobs, all of her just crying out for comfort – and suddenly I felt a protective instinct take over me.

"It's all right, Yokan," I said softly as I tightened my embrace. "It's going to be all right. Shh, things will be better tomorrow morning."

I stayed there with her for several minutes, rubbing her back and whispering soothingly.

Eventually she stopped crying, her breathing evened out, and she was fast asleep.

I carefully lifted her onto the bed then tucked her in.

I gazed at her one last time, the light from the doorway falling across her face, which now looked more peaceful.

She looked beautiful, actually, with her hair falling softly around her pale face like that. And not just because she looked like Kanan.

It was a sad kind of beauty, somewhat like Gojyo's.

I wondered how many taboo children would be hated by their mothers and suffer, just like her and Gojyo.

I stood up as quietly as I could, then walked out of the room and went to bed.

Yokan

I woke up the next morning feeling as though I'd sleep-walked. I'd had a series of dreams that night, some scary, some just plain weird…I couldn't even remember them all. But one dream was clear in my mind…just thinking about it made me want to cover my ears.

_I heard this awful scream...long, and filled with anguish. It echoed around the place, wherever I was. _

_I lay in the shadows, and I was vaguely aware that someone was holding me against their chest, keeping me safe, making sure I wouldn't be seen._

_Not far from where we hid, there was a woman. She lay on the floor, blood gushing out of her neck, a bitter smile on her face._

_Suddenly I felt this impulse to cry, and I was just about to wail when the person covered my mouth and said something about having to be quiet._

_The scream continued to echo, never ending, always filled with grief. It rang in my ears, and the person held me more tightly. Still the scream went on…_

I shuddered at the thought of it. I wondered what could have caused me to have such a dream. But that wasn't all that puzzled me. 

I somehow recalled Hakkai coming into my room last night, but I didn't know why. It could have been just another dream.

Just then I heard the door crack open slowly. 

I knew right away it wasn't Hakkai – the guy always knocks before coming in.

I sat up quickly, my body tensing as the door was pushed open, inch by inch. What the…?  
"Kyu!" Suddenly this little white head popped around the door. It had pointy ears, this little snout with tiny white fangs, horns and two beady black eyes.

I let out a yell of surprise and jerked backwards, bumping the wall in the process. I winced in pain as I hit a couple of the bruises on my back. 

At the same time that thing, whatever it was, gave a startled "Kyu!" and disappeared from behind the door.

"What in the world was _that_?" I wondered as I rubbed my elbow, which I had also bumped against the wall. 

I saw the little creature poke its head around the door again, and this time I noticed it had a long neck with ridges running along it.

A dragon? My guess proved to be correct as the creature flew into the room, paused, then landed on my lap. I just stared down at it, wondering whether I ought to be afraid.  But then it looked down at me and gave a questioning, "Kyu?"

I lifted my hand and slowly ran my fingers along its neck, hoping it wouldn't bite or breathe fire at me. Soon enough I was stroking his chin and we both relaxed, satisfied that neither one would hurt the other. 

Still I looked down at it in wonder. I'd never seen a dragon, let alone such a small one, before.

"Hello," I said softly, "What are you doing here? Do you know Hakkai?"  
At that moment there was a knock at the door and Hakkai himself came in.

For some reason, despite how awful I felt I found myself giving him a tentative smile. He looked pretty surprised at that one, but in the end he smiled back, as always.

"Good morning," he said. "I see you've meet Hakuryu."

"Is he your dragon?" I asked. "I've heard of some people keeping dragons for transportation, but, um…"  
Hakkai laughed. "Oh, you should see some of the things Hakuryu can do. In fact, he's really the one who found you, not me. If not for him I would have passed by without noticing a thing."

"Well…" I looked down at Hakuryu for the third time. "I guess I should be grateful to you, huh?"  To be honest I was still feeling a little doubtful.

Yes, I owed this man and his dragon my life, but, well, by now you know what I thought my life was worth.

Then I remembered my dream again and I asked, "Hakkai, did I wake you up last night? Because I _think_ you came into my room, but I don't know, it might have been some sort of dream."

Hakkai glanced at me in surprise. "Don't you remember?"

I gave him a perplexed look.

"I was about to go to bed when I heard you…sobbing, so I came in and you were sprawled across the bed. I asked you what was wrong and you cried out, "My mother hates me!'. You seemed so upset, so I stayed with you till you went back to sleep." His eyes were filled with concern as he looked at me, his expression showing clearly that he was more than ready to listen if there was anything I wanted to tell him. 

But I just gawked at him – I wanted to hit myself for telling him such a thing, even if I didn't remember saying it. And for causing him so much trouble again. I wondered how long had he stayed in my room.

"No," I replied. "All I remember is having a really ba – weird dream, and waking up just now."

Still he waited, and I realized he expected me to tell him about the dream.

I remembered the look in his eyes the day before, when I'd sensed that in some way he'd been through an equal amount of pain.

However, I still didn't really want to tell him anything just yet, and for some reason that made me feel guilty. Still…

"I wonder why I can't remember," I added lamely.

For a split second I sensed disappointment in him and that did nothing to ease the guilty feeling I was having.  But then the second was gone and he said, "Hmm…I do recall that your eyes were closed the whole time… so maybe you were talking in your sleep?"  
"Probably," I replied. "But then how come I remember you coming in? Oh well," I shrugged it off.

"In any case it was just a dream," Hakkai agreed. 

I almost melted in relief. He was letting it go, for now.

"You should eat already, otherwise your breakfast will get cold."

I nodded. "Thanks, Hakkai."  
"You're welcome," Hakkai replied, smiling. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to get ready for school."

"Sure." I watched him as he closed the door.

Then I remembered. Hakkai said a friend of his would be coming today since Hakkai wouldn't be there himself.

I was curious to see who this 'friend' of his was but…well, for some reason I felt a little uneasy about it. That couldn't be good…  
  


A/N: Well…I hope this chapter wasn't too terrible, any OOCness, unwell thought-of lines, grammatical errors, stupid mistakes…will be checked by tomorrow. I hope you guys didn't mind…**ruishi** if you read this, well, after reading your author's notes I thought 'what the heck?! Might as well do the same.' 

Thanks to **UltraM2000** for pointing out my error last time! Just to clarify, Yokan's 15 years old, so it's been exactly 15 years since Kanan died, and 12 years since the Sanzo-ikkou started out on their journey. I don't know how long it took them to complete their journey, though.   
So there, that's it! ^_^

Anyways, on to the next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.

A/N: So here, we finally get to Gojyo! Enjoy! Reviews would be much appreciated! ^_^

Gojyo

"You mean _baby-sit_?!" I exclaimed.

Hakkai smiled sheepishly. "Now, now, Gojyo…"

"Sha Gojyo does not baby-sit!" I said indignantly. "It's – it's not my thing!"

Hakkai listened to all my protests without a word, that smile never leaving his face. Pretty soon I had run out of excuses.

 "You're the one who's good with kids," I ended, feeling a little out of breath.

"She's fifteen," Hakkai reminded me. "And she hardly acts like a child."

"It would be more fun if she were eighteen," I grumbled.

Hakkai laughed. "I'm glad she isn't, then. You _will_ check on her?"

I glanced at him. He was _still_ smiling, but there was something in his eyes and tone of voice that pleaded with me. In fact, I could have said he was desperate. But of course, he always tried to hide everything behind that smile of his.

It was a part of his nature, and I accepted that.

I wouldn't try to change it, not unless he was about to hurt himself because of it.

"This has something to do with Kanan, doesn't it?" I asked.

"Well…yes. This may sound ridiculous to you, but I really don't want to leave Yokan there alone, especially in her condition. If something happens to her…"

"From what you've said, in Yokan's case it already happened," I pointed out.

"Yes, but still…"

Finally I sighed. "Okay, but you owe me one. And I'm going to _check_ on her. Don't expect me to stay with her the whole morning or something."  
Hakkai laughed. "I know."  
  


So here I was the very next day, walking down the road to Hakkai's place. 

Yokan

I'd been staying in Hakkai's home for about three days now, cooped up in my room, in the silence. The thing with staying in the silence for three days is that when there's a sound, even the tiniest one, it stands out and makes itself known so that you hear it right away. 

So I knew it the moment someone came into the house. I listened as his footsteps echoed down the hall.

This must be Hakkai's friend…I bolted upright and watched the door.

For some reason I felt nervous, and I realized with a jolt that Hakkai forgot to tell me his friend's name, or how his friend even _looked_ like. How did I know that the person wandering around the house was Hakkai's friend? 

What if it was some weirdo breaking in and entering?

I shook my head; I was just getting paranoid. Any second now Hakkai's friend would come in, and I'd see he was no weirdo, probably some nice and neat guy like Hakkai. He'd see I was fine, ask me if I needed anything. I'd say no and then he'd probably smile, say goodbye and be off on his merry way.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

The door opened and this _guy_ came into the room – he definitely wasn't like Hakkai. In fact, everything about him, from his clothes to the smell of smoke that instantly drifted into my nostrils, just screamed gangster.

I really hate to say this, but just then the uneasiness in me peaked, and because of my overactive imagination I jumped to conclusions.

He certainly wasn't anything like how I imagined Hakkai's friend would look like, so he must not be. Then that meant – he was a _weirdo-breaking-in-and-entering?!_

I screamed. It was such a silly, girlish thing to do, I know, and just thinking about it makes me cringe. But at least it sort of stunned him for a couple of seconds. 

I spent that time looking around the room frantically, trying to find something I could use as a weapon. The nearest thing I saw was a cross hanging above my bed, so I stood up, snatched it off the wall and pointed it at him threateningly. Pathetic, I know. 

The guy knew it too. At first he was looking at me in surprise, then he burst into laughter.

"What are you going to do, exorcise me?"

Crap. 

"_No_," I said, trying to hide my embarrassment by glaring at him. 

I was actually planning on at least trying to hit him with it, or something, and if he'd been human I could've beaten him easily. I was a half-demon, after all. 

But then I knew this guy was a demon, probably stronger than me.

It was only then that I noticed. Yes, I know it sounds incredibly stupid, being one myself, but I only made the connection with his hair and eyes then.

Wait a second…a _half-demon_?

"All right, don't get yourself worked up," the guy said, walking towards the bed. 

Then I realized he was looking at me a certain way, and the corners of his mouth were twitching into a grin.

My insides went cold…half demon or not, I wasn't letting that happen to me again.

By now his nose was just an inch from that cross.

"Put that thing down, will you?"

"Don't come any nearer!" Before he knew it I'd punched him in the nose with my left hand (I held the cross with my right), jumped off the bed and bolted into the hall. The only problem was, I was already pretty wobbly when I tried to stand, and while the adrenaline rush gave me enough strength to jump down and run, it didn't stop me from getting dizzy not long after. I slumped against the wall, trying to get my bearings.

Gojyo

Good gods, when that girl screamed it _hurt_. I covered my ears for a second, and when I looked at her again she was pointing that cross at me like it was Sanzo's gun.

I just had to laugh; in fact, she looked kind of cute that way. I have to admit Hakkai was right back when he said she was pretty, and a grin twitched at the corners of my mouth when I thought of how much prettier she'd be by the time she turns eighteen.

"Put that thing down, will you?" I said. 

Next thing I knew she'd punched me and my nose hurt like hell. Okay, scratch out the _cute_. Or rather, add the prefix _un_ to it.

By the time I recovered she'd bolted out into the hallway.

Damn, my nose was bleeding. I covered it with my left and followed her.

There she was, slumped against the wall. She looked pretty drained, and definitely dizzy.

"Crazy kid," I said, pissed. I hoisted her onto my shoulder with my right hand, carried her back to her room, dumped her on the bed and sat on the chair beside it.

"What the hell did you do _that_ for? Hakkai sent me to check on you, but you seem perfectly fine to me."

By then she seemed to have calmed down, and when she heard what I said her jaw dropped.

"Y-you're Hakkai's friend?"

"_Yes_, what did you think?" I asked testily.

"Uh…you don't really want to know."

She looked at me suspiciously one last time, then said, "I'm sorry, I guess it was just paranoia."

"Ch."

"It's just that, well, the way you were looking at me, and when you walked towards the bed I kind of snapped." She glanced down. "A…guy took advantage of me once, and I couldn't let it happen again."  
My eyes widened as I realized what she was implying, and I said hurriedly, "Hey, I may love women but that doesn't mean I don't respect them! And I'm not a pedophile either!"

She gave me a small grin. "Yeah, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that."

"Hakkai _did_ tell you I was coming, didn't he?" 

"Yes, but he forgot to tell me _who_ his friend was. A physical description would've helped, too."  
She looked up and she seemed to be staring at me again. 

"Hey, what are you looking at me like that for?"  
She shook herself and said, "Sorry again, it's just that I've never seen anyone like me before, if you know what I mean."  
I grinned. "Yeah, and it's not so often you see one as good-looking as me."  
Yokan gave me a weird look. "You wish."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" I said indignantly.

"Nothing," she replied quickly. "What's your name, by the way?"

"Gojyo. Sha Gojyo," I told her. I grinned once more and leaned back, saying, "And you're the famous Yokan I've heard so much about." 

A/N: So there…a bit of a shameless, abrupt end, I know, but anyways I'll try to come up with the next chapter soon. And, um, yes, Yokan's first reaction to Gojyo was panic, then shock ^_^; I tried to make it a little funny but I kind of suck at humor.

Again thanks so much for your reviews, I hope you liked the last two chapters!

*crosses her fingers*


	5. Chapter 5

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but Yokan and the plot of this story do. Period.

Gojyo

"Ah," was all she said in reply.

Just then it occurred to me that I hadn't had a cigarette in two hours, and I was sure craving one now.

"I guess I'm not supposed to smoke here since you're sick?" I said disgustedly.

Yokan raised an eyebrow.

"You can if you want to," she said. "It's not like I'm asthmatic or anything."  
I lit a cigarette and breathed in, long and deep. Then I breathed out and watched as the smoke flew out of my mouth. Sweet relief.

My body relaxed in the chair, all the tension seemingly drifting away, and I let my eyes wander around the room.

I hadn't been in this room very often, except for the rare occasion in which I was so drunk that Hakkai let me stay in his house. Either way, I never paid much attention to it.

But now that I did, I saw that the room was sparsely furnished, just like the rest of Hakkai's house. The bed stood against the wall in one corner, across the room from the door, and next to it was a bedside table. On the left side of the room was a desk matching the chair I now sat on, with papers piled on top of it. And beside the desk were two bookshelves, crammed with – you guessed it – books. This room probably doubled as his study. Light streamed in from two windows on either side of the room.

Just then Yokan's voice broke the silence, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"What exactly has Hakkai been telling you?"

"What?" I raised my eyes to look at her.

"You said 'the famous Yokan I've heard so much about'. That means Hakkai's been talking about me, doesn't it?"

"I suppose," I replied noncommittally.

There was a long silence.

"Well?"

I noticed that Yokan's eyes were absolutely focused on me now, as though she were looking for the answer on my face. She was even leaning forward slightly, her hands clutching the edge of the bed.

I found it to be pretty comical, and I smirked. "Didn't your mother teach you it's not polite to stare?"

That annoyed the hell out of her. She threw her head back and gave an irritated sigh. "She didn't live to teach me anything, if you must know," she began to snap, but right in the middle of her sentence she seemed to realize what she was saying and her voice shook as she finished. She bit her lip and looked away.

I felt the gloom settle over the room immediately and was reasonably surprised.

"Um – I'm sorry to hear about that," I said quickly. Oh, smooth. Real smooth. Where the hell was Hakkai when you needed him?

"Yeah, it's okay," she replied quietly, still not looking at me. "What really sucks is it's my fault."

"You don't know that," I heard myself say.

Yokan met my gaze and smiled bitterly. "Oh don't I? She killed herself because of me. Because she had me. She thought she was killing me too, you know, her grief made her so delirious she forgot she already gave birth to me. She couldn't take it coz my demon father kidnapped her and raped her like he did to a lot of other girls. And now I know exactly how she felt because I was raped too. Just last Thursday, you know!" The words flowed out of her mouth in a steady stream till she was blurting them out.

It took me a couple of seconds to absorb what I had just heard, and I stared at her in shock.

Damn Hakkai for leaving me alone with this kid! But then again, I was the one who agreed to it…

But then again, I knew how she felt. On some level, anyway.

But before I could think of anything to say, she buried her face in her hands and said, "Oh no, I'm so sorry, I really shouldn't have said all that, I just snapped and dumped it all on you like that, I'm so sorry…"

Her voice faded away and I grinned wryly. "A little too late for that, I think. But don't worry about it, it's my fault for hitting a nerve. Besides," I added more gravely, "I know how you feel, in a way. My mother hated me too."

Yokan looked up at me in surprise. "She did? What for?"

I leaned back in my chair again, took another drag from my cigarette. "When someone beats you up and yells at you to die, you get the point pretty quickly," I said dryly. "She wasn't _really_ my mother, actually; just the only one I knew. I was the product of an affair between my father and his human mistress, and I reminded her too much of them both. Just looking at me drove her crazy. She almost killed me too, in fact, except that my half-brother killed _her_ before she succeeded. Then he went off and disappeared."

Yokan was appalled. "How could you just talk about it so _casually_ like that? Doesn't it hurt?"  
"It's been years since that happened. I saw my brother again, both of us have accepted our pasts and moved on. You will, too, someday," I replied. "There now, we're even. But tell me, how did you survive if your mother died?"

Yokan sighed. "It's a really long story…"  
"We've got lots of time."

Yokan glanced at me one last time before she began, and I saw the empty look Hakkai had described earlier.

"After my mother gave birth to me, my father had her returned to her cell and I was left under the care of the midwife. A few days after, my uncle went to rescue my mother and killed all the demons in the castle in the process. But before he could stop her," Yokan's eyes flashed bitterly, "My mother took his knife and slit her throat. The castle was destroyed soon afterwards, and the midwife fled. She took me to the village where she'd been born and raised me. She was an old woman, you know, and she had children and grandchildren. They refused to visit her or even talk to her unless she abandoned me, though, because I was a taboo child and the child of an evil monster who had caused the village a lot of suffering. So she spent twelve years alone, taking care of me. But then she fell sick, and I did everything I could think of to make her better. But she died anyway, and when she did, her family came. They blamed me for her death." Her voice cracked and she swallowed. "I remember exactly what they said to me. They called me an ungrateful wretch who brought misfortune on Oba-san even after everything she did for me. They drove me out of the village, and I've been wandering from place to place ever since. In case you're wondering, I found out about my mother because I took her journal before her family drove me away. It would have been better if I hadn't, though," Yokan looked down again, so that her bangs hid her eyes.

I stared at her. I knew I should have felt even worse for her than I already did then, but I was too busy trying to figure out the alarms that were going off in my head. This story just sounded way too familiar to ignore…particularly the part about her uncle.

And then it hit me. Could it be…_Hakkai__?_ My mind practically reeled in confusion. But that was impossible!

There was another long silence.

I glanced at Yokan. She was still looking down, lost in her own depressing thoughts. Her hair, slightly messy, hung over her shoulder in one braid. Blood red, just like mine. Her shoulders were slumped, her hands still clutching the edge of the bed. Everything about her projected emptiness and despair.

_Could she really be…? Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions here._

I opened my mouth, but the only sound that came out was a croak.

Yokan didn't notice.

I cleared my throat, and she looked up, again in surprise. This girl seemed to have a knack for drifting off.

"Just wondering," I said, trying to sound casual, "Did you know what your uncle's name was?"  
"Sure I do," Yokan replied, giving me a strange look. "Cho Gonou."

Despite the state of shock I was in, I still managed to ask one more question.

"Yokan…" I said slowly, "…if you met your uncle, what would you do?"

Yokan cast her eyes down at the floor. "I wouldn't know how to face him," she whispered.

A few minutes later I walked out of that house completely dazed. I was _still_ trying to believe what I'd just heard.

And…how on earth was Hakkai going to take this once he found out? How was _I_ supposed to tell him?

Hakkai

Sad to say, I let my anxiety get the better of me. As a result of this, I rushed through the lesson with my last class before lunch.

"Any more questions?" I asked. I was met with the usual blank stares.

"All right then," I replied, smiling. "We have only five minutes left before lunch, so I suppose I can dismiss you early."  
Of course the class had no objection to that and cheered.

As for me, I bid them goodbye, then rushed out the door and down the hallways of the school with Hakuryu flying just behind me. As soon as we were out of the building he transformed into a jeep, and we sped off.

We got home in record time, Hakuryu screeching to a halt in front of the house. Some of the passersby gave me strange looks as I leaped over the car door, using one arm as a support and strode quickly to the door.

I could feel my heart thumping against my chest as I put my hand on the doorknob. I found myself muttering a short prayer despite myself, despite the fact that anyone kidnapping Yokan was highly unlikely. I swallowed and threw the door open.

Silence. No broken vases, no overturned tables or chairs. Everything was just as I had left it.

I breathed a sigh of relief and shook my head, feeling a bit foolish. However, the paranoia wasn't completely gone. Not just yet.

By this time Hakuryu had changed back into a dragon and landed softly on my shoulder.

Stroking his head, I proceeded down the hallway and knocked.

"Hakkai?" Yokan's voice called from inside.

"Yes, it's me," I replied as I opened the door.

"Hey," she greeted me.

Yes, there she was, safe and sound. And I could tell from the smell of smoke lingering in the air that Gojyo had kept his promise. I let myself relax.

"Umm…" she paused, as though she had to think of what to say. "Nice friend you have."

I chuckled. "Not exactly what you were expecting?"  
"NO," Yokan said flatly. "Not in the least. Still…he was all right."

Here a thoughtful expression occupied her face, and I had to wonder just what had gone on during Gojyo's visit. I made a mental note to ask him about it sometime.  
"Was it your first time, seeing someone like yourself?" I asked gently, sitting down on the chair beside her bed.

Yokan nodded. "It was…pretty weird for me."

"Gojyo's been through some things too, you know," I told her.

Yokan nodded again. "Yes, I know. He told me."

I had some difficulty in hiding my surprise. Yes, something must have happened here, for Gojyo to tell her about his past in just one afternoon. "I see," I replied. "By the way, Yokan, I've been meaning to ask you for some time…is there anyone who might be looking for you? Family…?"  
Yokan shook her head. "No. I've been meaning to tell you, what I said in my sleep was true. I've been on my own for three years now."

The empty expression crossed her face, but then she seemed to push it away and gave me a small smile. It was very similar to the kind of smile I plastered onto my face everyday, and it was slightly disconcerting to see it on someone else.

"I guess you'll want to know about that dream I had?" she asked.

I smiled back. "Only if you feel like telling me. It's fine if you don't."

"All right then," her smile slowly faded into a more serious expression, and she stared into space as she spoke. "I know I had a lot of dreams last night, actually, but this is the only one I can remember. I was someplace dark, and I could feel someone holding my tight against my chest. I would have felt safe, but…there was this awful scream. I think it was a man's. It just wouldn't stop, it felt like it was going to go on forever. And it was filled with so much pain…and a few feet away from us was the dead body of a woman. She had a knife in her hand, and somehow I knew she'd slit her own throat. I don't remember anymore how her face looked like, but…I think it was my mother." Yokan's voice cracked and she swallowed. She glanced away for a moment, then smiled that small smile again. "It was more of a nightmare, really."

I realized that little by little, Yokan was learning to hide her pain behind a smile. But I didn't want her to become like me. It made things easier, yes, but for some reason I didn't want her to be that way.

And suddenly…I felt this urge to let her stay. She didn't have anywhere else to go, after all, and I couldn't just let her go wandering again. But then again…could I handle it? Did I have what it would take to raise a 15 year-old?

I shook my head inwardly. This was getting too complicated.

The only thing I knew for sure right now was that I wanted this girl to be happy. I wanted her to learn to smile for real; a sincere and honest smile, like Kanan's. Not like mine.

In the end, I said nothing of this to Yokan. I just put a comforting hand on her shoulder, smiled and said, "Well, thank you for telling me. But you know, I doubt your mother killed herself because of you. Maybe it was just because someone failed to protect her. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go make our lunch."

Yokan gave me a puzzled look, but I just continued to smile as I stood up and left the room.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful after that. I ate my lunch with Yokan in her room, then left for school. Uneventful, that is, until I walked out of the building to find Gojyo waiting for me.

A/N: Hmm, wonder why Hakkai said that? hint hint Anyways, you'll see in the next chapter!

Sorry I took so long to post AGAIN, but something's gone horribly wrong with our computer, some stupid virus is blocking off the Internet access. So I have to make do with my sister's laptop, and she only comes home once a week. hands out coffee pie to everyone as compensation Try it, it's really good!

Anyways…is it great, is it just okay or does it really stink (the chapter, not the pie)? I'm not really that happy with how this chapter came out, but I've gone over this chapter about three times already, so it may be just me. So, please review and tell me what you think, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks!


	6. Chapter 6

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but Yokan and the plot of this story do. Period.

A/N: Well, at long last, Chapter 5! Just warning you, though, the content near the end of this chapter is kind of dark, some might find it disturbing. Well, I'm not sure if it's THAT bad, but just in case…

Hakkai

The rest of the day was rather uneventful after that. I ate with Yokan in her room, then left for school.

Uneventful, that is, until after dismissal.

I walked out of the school and spotted Gojyo pacing back and forth on the sidewalk. He stopped and yelled something in frustration, but I didn't quite catch what he said.

A few of the students did, however, and they gave him furtive looks, keeping their distance as they passed.

"Gojyo?" I called.

He turned around, spotted me and froze.

I threw him a puzzled look as I started towards him.

"Gojyo, what's wrong?" I asked as soon as I reached him. I grew concerned when I saw the troubled look on his face.

            He swallowed. "Listen, Hakkai," he said hesitantly. "There's something I've got to tell you. It's about Yokan."

I became grave as I said, "What is it?"

"I'm not really sure I should be telling you this…" Gojyo said slowly, "But here goes. Yokan, she's Kanan's child. With the demon."  
His face was creased in anxiety as he gazed at me, waiting for my reaction.

As for me, I gazed back at him in surprise for a moment. Then my shoulders sagged and I sighed. "So it's true. I've had my suspicions for a while now, but I didn't quite fully believe them."

Gojyo just gaped at me, and for a second I honestly thought his eyes would pop out of their sockets.

"You KNEW?!" he cried. "Ch, I could've just saved myself the anxiety! Here I was, going nuts the whole afternoon trying to decide whether to tell you or let you find out for yourself!!"

I laughed nervously.

"Ahahaha," Gojyo mimicked, crossing his arms and leaning sulkily against the lamppost.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I really do appreciate it, though. But how did you find out? From what I've heard, you seem to have had a rather interesting morning."

Now it was Gojyo's turn to be sheepish. "Let's just say I hit a nerve, and she ended up blurting it out at me. Then before I knew it she was apologizing and blaming herself, just like someone I know. So I decided to tell her about my own happy childhood. Sort of to make things even."  
I ignored the hint and smiled wryly. "I should have known it would be something like that."

Gojyo shrugged. "What can I say? I can't stand a lady in distress. Not that she acts much like one. But I managed to find out how she's stayed alive all this time. The midwife managed to escape with her before the castle burned down and took her home. The relatives didn't take it well, though, Yokan being what she was and a child of the clan that'd been terrorizing their village for so long. When the old woman died they blamed it on her and tossed her out."

I nodded. "Yes, that explains the nightmare she had. And she did tell me that she's been wandering for three years now."

"So…" Gojyo looked at me, "What are you going to do now? You do realize she's your niece and all."

"I don't know," I replied, gazing back at him. "It really depends on what she wants, I suppose. So I will have to tell her, sooner or later. I don't know what she'll think." I held up my palms and looked at them as I added quietly, "I did kill her family, after all."

I heard Gojyo sigh in frustration. "Hakkai, you have to quit blaming yourself for these things," he said firmly. "I'm getting to think this kind of thing runs in your family. Yokan seems to think Kanan's death is her fault, which we both know is perfectly ridiculous. So stop it."

I merely smiled and replied, "I wasn't really blaming myself. I was only stating facts."

I started off towards home, and Gojyo got up and walked beside me.

"If Yokan's on her mother's side, the way she seems to be, I doubt she thinks of that clan as 'family'," he added. "But I think you should know…she's kind of…afraid of Gonou. But it's not because of what he did. Well – partly, maybe. But from how she said it, she sounded ashamed of herself. 'I wouldn't know how to face him' were her exact words, and she even hung her head while she said it. Hey – " Gojyo looked around, "– where's Hakuryu?"

"Oh – I left him at home with Yokan, so she'd have company," I explained sheepishly.

Gojyo smirked. "Ch, Uncle Hakkai is so sweet."

I just chuckled awkwardly. "Now, is it really like that?"

And so we walked home in companionable silence, the sun setting over the buildings behind us, throwing shades of red and orange and pink over everything.

Yokan

As soon as Hakkai left the room, I flopped back on the pillows and sighed.

"Yokan, what is going _on_ with you today?" I asked out loud. "You say things on impulse, you tell your life's story to people you barely know, you smile when you don't mean it…"

_Why did I do that?_ I wondered. _Was it because I didn't want Hakkai to be concerned? Since when has anyone worried about me?_

It really _was_ weird…suddenly having someone be concerned about my welfare. I'd always believed someone with such a cursed existence as mine didn't deserve that.

But then there was Gojyo.

Despite how his mother had hated him, he still seemed to believe he could live, that he deserved to. And he thought someday, I could change my mind too.

That I could live a normal life, just like any whole human or demon?

Despite everything, despite how worthless and unclean I felt?

"Kyu!" I started as Hakuryu flew over, settling himself beside me and craning his neck to look at me.

"Oh, hey, Hakuryu," I said. "Sorry, I kind of forgot you were there. I hope you're not insulted, I really do drift off a lot when I'm alone. Well – I've been alone for three years already, so all I can do is think to get my mind off my stomach. But then…I was never really _bored_, you know. I was too busy trying to find food for that. _Now_, though,  thanks to Hakkai I'm perfectly well-fed and all I have to do is lie in bed and wait for all the bruises and cuts to heal, not to mention my blood-transfusion. I might as well be bored to death, the way I'm going…what with all the silence, I really have nothing better to do than hate myself."  
I guess people might find it strange I was chatting with a dragon about my depressing life, but Hakkai seemed to talk to Hakuryu without thinking twice about it, and Hakuryu definitely seemed intelligent enough to understand everything I was saying. And even now it was clear he was listening – not in the cute, perked-up ears, tilted-head way that some peoples' dogs do – but really just looking at me and listening the way a person would.

And now, after hearing what I said, he seemed to give me a particularly sharp look.

I laughed cheerlessly. "Excuse my sarcasm."

Hakuryu stood up, flapped his winds and flew over to the other side of the room, landing on one of many stacks of books taking up the floor in front of a bookshelf.

"Kyu!"

I understood what he meant at once.

"I've never been much of a reader," I said thoughtfully. "But what the hey? I never had any books, that's why. Might as well do something while I'm here."  
I got up slowly and carefully, bracing myself against the head board.

I didn't want to get all dizzy and tired like I had this morning – the thing with lying in bed for more than two days is that your legs sort of forget how to walk properly.

I picked up the first book I saw and started reading it – it happened to be Greek mythology. It was pretty interesting, but kind of gruesome – the first story I read was about a man named Edipus. He accidentally married his mother without knowing it, and when they both found out he tore his eyes out because he couldn't bear to look at his children, while his mother committed suicide.

Later in the afternoon Hakkai came home, along with Gojyo. He seemed pretty happy I started (or even knew how to) reading, and he began talking about all the books he could lend me.

And, well…when I saw the two of them together, it _really_ struck me how big the contrast between them was. But then, at the same time they kind of _fit_. Just by looking at them you could tell they'd been friends for a very long time.

Then Gojyo asked me what I was looking at, if he was really _that_ gorgeous.

Hakkai laughed at the look on my face as I replied in disgust, "You wish! I'm just wondering why you've got a white hair over there. You can't be a day over forty, can you?"

"What?!" Gojyo's hands flew to his hair as his eyes widened in alarm. "Where? Pull it out! _Hey_, how dare you say I'm forty?! For your information, I'm only thirty-three!"

"Thirty-four, actually, as of last November," said Hakkai.

I just sat back and let Gojyo agonize over the imaginary white hair for the next twenty minutes, till he finally saw the grin on my face and realized it was all a ruse.

And so the days passed, and little by little I grew stronger, and healthier. In time I could stand up without any effort, and I had to practice walking everyday, with Gojyo's help. Geez, I never thought that could happen to me. It was like being a baby all over again.

In the meantime, Hakkai took it upon himself to make me catch up with the 3 years of school I'd missed. And believe me, he MADE me catch up. He may seem like a nice and gentle person who as a teacher would let you off easy, but really, when it comes down to it he's actually a _slave driver_. He piled all kinds of school work on me, smiling all the while.

I learned pretty quickly that if he smiled a certain kind of smile, it meant he wasn't really listening to all your protests and he wasn't gonna _budge_.

Well, I had nothing better to do, and it saved me from boredom, so I couldn't exactly protest.

Everything kind of fell into a pattern after that. In the morning Hakkai'd eat with me, give me homework for the whole day then leave for school. I'd read all the books he assigned to me and drag through the exercises. Then sometime in the middle of the day, give thanks and rejoice! Gojyo would come and I could stop, and then we'd play POKER! (or any other card games he taught me) I was getting better at it too, and I even beat him a couple of times (much to his horror). Then Hakkai would come home for lunch and after that it was sigh back to my studies again.

I really didn't get what he was making me do all this for, but then again I was in his house, eating his food, not to mention that monstrous doctor's bill, so I might as well just do what he wanted.

And everything was fine, more or less. Once in a while I wondered what he was going to do with me after I'd completely recovered.

Truth be told, I felt really uncomfortable owing someone that much when the debt couldn't be repaid. Well…Hakkai was subtly forcing me into living, and while I still didn't agree with that I kind of had to love (and pity) him for it. Why on earth was he wasting all this effort on someone like me anyway?

But then, at some point, all this had to end, somehow. And it did, one day. I guess curiosity killed the cat again.

"Hakkai?" I poked my head out into the hallway.

"Yes, Yokan?" Hakkai had just dashed out of his room, folders in hand, and I caught him in mid-run. He looked pretty flustered; seemed he was running late.

"I can't find that Math book, Beginning Algebra? The purple one?"

"Try looking in my room, I think I might have used the answer key to check homework. I have to go now, I'll see you at lunch!" And with that he rushed out of the house. I could hear Hakuryu's tires screeching as he left.

I sighed and walked into Hakkai's room. Two particularly large shelves took up one wall of his room. It took some time to search through them, and it made me cringe, thinking of how much work I could have done by then. Finally I concluded that no, the book was _not_ in those shelves. Maybe I ought to give up and start on History…

I groaned inwardly. In my opinion, solving equations wasn't quite as bad as having to memorize all those useless dates.

Then a brown object caught the corner of my eye, and I turned to see a chest sitting beside one of the bookshelves. Well…it was worth a try.

I knelt down in front of it and lifted the lid.

Nope, no Math book.

Books, but old ones. _Journey To The West, Journey To The West…_Hakkai must really like this book if he had two copies of it. One looked as though it would crumble at one touch, the other was also old, but in a plastic cover and kept in much better condition.

By this time, I'd kind of picked up Hakkai's love for books. So I curiously picked up the newer copy and leafed through its pages. Looks like someone gave this to Hakkai, they wrote a note on the title page.

Here, I say, is where curiosity killed the cat again. This was Hakkai's private property, and a note addressed to him and him only.

I would have, should have put it back in the chest and left it alone. You'd think I'd learned my lesson with Oba-san's diary.

But then, at the bottom of the page, the name _Kanan_ caught my eye, and my breath hitched in my throat. _Kanan__?_ _Could it be…?_

Tossing my respect for Hakkai's privacy aside, I read the note. If it was my mother, I had to know. Someone had written in very neat, but small handwriting:

_Dear Gonou,_

_Happy birthday! I think it's high time you got a new copy of this.    
Do you realize this also means we've been together for over two years? I can't say enough how glad I am that you're with me, that neither of us is alone anymore, and every day we spend together is precious to me. Thank you so much for everything, Gonou. I love you!_

_Love,_

_Kanan___

My heart pound in my chest and my mouth was completely dry as I read the letter. This…this was something that my mother had written, to Gonou! And, well, from the contents of the letter it was obvious they were more than just 'brother and sister'. Not that I had any right to judge, and apart from that…I was definitely having mixed feelings.

First of all, what was Hakkai doing with something of my uncle's? If something like this was in his possession, then he probably had some connection with my uncle…but what? And did he know who I was?

_Confusion, suspicion, doubt.___

Second, well…my mother sounded so happy when she wrote this. It was just another bitter reminder of how I'd ruined her life, and how she couldn't possibly have wanted or loved me at all.

_Pain, pangs of bitterness, wistfulness, self-hate.___

And when she committed suicide, that inevitably caused Gonou suffering, too. All because I'd been born. And wherever he was, I wondered if he was still hurting. I remembered what Gojyo asked me, and my reply.

_I wouldn't know how to face him…_

_Guilt, shame, more self-hate.___

My heart continued to pound in my chest, and my mind whirled. How on earth was I supposed to deal with this? Could I find the courage to ask Hakkai, once he got home? What would he say once he found out I'd gone through his stuff?

I glanced at the chest, and when I saw what had lain under the book, my heart nearly stopped.

There lay a picture of Hakkai, with a woman who looked just like me. The only difference was that she had to be about five or six years older than I was right now, and she had green eyes and brown hair, just a shade lighter than Hakkai's. As soon as I saw her I knew she was my mother…I'd seen her in my dream, after all.

The two of them smiled joyfully out at me, the wind blowing their hair, my mother looking over Hakkai's shoulder with her arms draped round his neck while he stood and laughed.

I stared at the picture in confusion. What on earth was Hakkai doing with my mother? What struck me first was that they could easily have been brother and sister…_brother and sister…_

My eyes widened in shock as the truth hit me full in the face. _Hakkai__ is Gonou! Gonou is Hakkai…_

I stared at the man in the picture, the names spinning around in my head as I struggled to absorb this piece of information.

_Gonou-Hakkai-Gonou-Hakkai-Gonou-Hakkai-Gonou-Hakkai__…_

His eyes shone out at me, filled with happiness, lacking the anguish that the present Hakkai's held now…

The initial shock and confusion was very quickly replaced by panic, that horrible sensation tearing through my chest as I saw once more the haunted look in his eyes – images of them flashed through my mind. It was then that I knew – all that pain went back to one event, something that had happened 15 years ago. It was _me_ – once again, it was my fault!

I dropped the book, my whole body shaking as I relived my nightmare – my mother, lying dead in her cell – but this time, I saw Hakkai kneeling helplessly on the other side of the bars, covered from head to toe in blood – I heard that scream, _his_ scream, echoing endlessly around the chamber, just as it had before –

I covered my ears, trying to block it all out.

Last of all, I saw the look that would be on Hakkai's face once he found out who I was. And that's where I snapped.

I stood up, backed away from the chest, turned and dashed out of the house.

I had no idea where I was headed, or how far I would run, I wasn't even _thinking_. All I knew was this incredibly strong impulse to get away – from what or where, I wasn't sure. I was sick of everything, sick of reality – sick of my life.

I absolutely refused to think of anything – I just kept on running.

The world flashed by me, the wind whipped at my face as I continued to push myself forward, my legs churning beneath me as I increased my speed, weaving in and out of the crowds that passed me by.

But then, as I went on, despite my best efforts, some thoughts managed to find their way in.

_Can't face him, can't face him… can't stand the pain it'll cause him, can't stand the look on his face when he finds out…can't stand how I hate myself…can't stand this, can't do this anymore…_

I _still_ wasn't quite fully recovered from the blood transfusion, but somehow all that panic and desperation put an enormous burst of energy in my legs, kept me going at an inhuman speed. Who knows, maybe it was my demon blood that enabled me to run like this.

Before long, I was out of that town, on the main road, surrounded by rice fields.

But then I was barely aware of this, until I tripped over a rock. My legs gave out and the velocity at which I'd been going slammed me into the ground.

Exhaustion took over as I lay there on the ground, panting. I stayed there for the longest time, just catching my breath.

_Tired_…I was just so tired, with no will whatsoever to get up. I was right back to where I started…I couldn't return to that town, not now. As if I'd ever belonged with Hakkai, with Gojyo…my eyes filled with tears, and my chest tightened as I grit my teeth in self-disgust. _I'm so pathetic…_

I realized then that I really _couldn't_ go on anymore. After all this, I couldn't go back to living life on the streets, wandering from place to place, struggling just to find food…Hopelessness filled me once more, just as it had two weeks ago.

Just then, I was roused by this disgusting smell filling my nostrils. I lifted my head and saw a horse relieving itself just a few feet away. _Oh, great…_

Then I noticed the rope that tethered it to a post. I looked the other way and saw that not far ahead the farmland ended, and the forest began.

Gradually, I managed to push myself up and get back on my feet. I untied the horse, took the rope and in slow, determined steps, headed towards the forest. I knew now how I could end my misery.

A/N: Whew! Well, there it is. Don't worry, people, this is NOT the end!

So…what do you think? Is anyone out of character, Yokan too whiny or Mary Sue-ish, or are you just plain disgusted by what she chose to do?  Or am I getting too repetitive somewhere? cringes  Yeah, I'm not really that happy with how this chapter came out, but once again, I _have_ looked over it about three or four times, so at this point I really need feedback.

Thanks so much to all who reviewed, you made my day and really inspired me to keep on writing! Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint!

Oh, and special thanks to my friend Lynx7 for helping me choose between Hakkai's and Gojyo's POV!


	7. Chapter 7

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but Yokan and the plot of this story do. Period.

A/N: Hey, everyone, thanks for all the reviews! And I'm sorry it took me so long to update… --; School is a torture device that drains out your soul and violates Article 24 of the Bill of Human Rights…But man, this feels great! A four-day weekend and a late-night burst of inspiration do wonders!

Yokan__

I sat on one of the broader branches of a tree. Everything was set – I knew the branch was strong enough to hold my weight, and I'd made certain that my knots were secure and wouldn't slip out of place.

Everything seemed kind of peaceful in this place – the rays of the sun filtered in through the trees, and the birds' twittering echoed throughout the forest. I looked around me. So this was the last thing I'd see, before I ended things myself, just the way my mother had. I should have already been dead anyway, like she'd wanted me to be.

But then at the last minute, I hesitated. The ground looked pretty far from here – the rope around my neck suddenly felt heavy, as though it were trying to pull me down.

But I was frozen – staring at the earth below me. I just sat there, I couldn't move. And it wasn't because I was afraid of heights.

Why?

Then the thought floated into my mind – _Do I really want to do this?_

_There's nothing for me out there,_ I reminded myself. _There's nothing for an unclean wretch like me. I shouldn't even be alive. No one wants me, it wouldn't matter. I'm too tired…too tired to live._

But in spite of myself, I saw Hakkai's face…and Gojyo's, and I remembered how they'd both taken care of me, and talked to me...

_But when they know who you are – will they still treat you the same way?_

_…I don't know._

But I still couldn't move. I sure as hell didn't want to go on living in the streets – but something kept me from making that final jump – my hands gripped the branch, so tightly that my knuckles were growing white and my palms were sweating – and at the same time I drew up my legs so that I was squatting, ready to jump.

I could feel my heart beating against my chest, and I was feeling pretty breathless.

Then out of nowhere, there came a shout – I started, and before I knew it I had slipped.

For a second there was this sickening falling sensation, only to be stopped short by the most painful tug on my neck, my throat suddenly constricted so that I couldn't breathe – I choked and my arms and legs flailed uselessly.

BANG! I heard a gunshot, felt that falling sensation, then everything went black.

Goku

My stomach grumbled, reminding me that it was almost lunchtime.

"Sanzo," I began.

He turned around. "There's no food here, idiot. Wait till we get back to the temple."

I sighed. "I can't help it!"

We were right in the middle of the forest, walking down a muddy path. We'd just come from the town – Sanzo needed cigarettes, and I'd outgrown my clothes a long time ago.

It's been four years since we got back, and twelve years since we started that journey. You see, it took us four years to reach the West, and another four years to go back East. And like I've said before, it's been four years since we got back to Chang'An.

And I've had a lot of growth spurts since then – I just turned thirty a couple of months ago, and I'm almost as tall as Sanzo now. I like to think I'm not such a kid anymore, though of course Gojyo's never going to admit that.

Speaking of Gojyo, not to mention Hakkai – I hadn't seen them in a long time, not since my birthday. It's really too bad we didn't see them in town today…Hakkai was probably busy at school, and I couldn't find Gojyo around any of the gambling houses. That was definitely strange…oh well. He was probably getting laid with some girl... I winced. 30 years old or not, I still didn't really like thinking about that kind of thing.

So, we just continued down the path with Sanzo just staring into space…everything was so quiet, it was getting kind of boring.

Then, out of the corner of my eye I spotted a flash of red. My eyes focused on the trees that lay just before a bend in the road, and there it was. I couldn't tell what it was from where I stood, though. I just knew it was something alive.

I started to walk faster, in longer strides. I wanted to see what it was, and somehow I felt I ought to hurry.

Sanzo looked up. "Where are you going?"

"Look, there's something over there – " I pointed.

I froze in my tracks as soon as I realized it was a _girl_ – I don't know why, but as soon as I saw the rope around her neck, they reminded me of the chains that held me back then, in that cave. I could see her gritting her teeth, she was shaking like anything. She drew up her legs as though she was going to jump – my eyes widened and a cry tore itself out of my throat.

_That_ surprised her, and I watched in horror as she started, then lost her footing. The rope tugged on her neck, and she winced in pain, making choking sounds and waving her arms and legs.

"Sanzo!" I yelled, turning around, but he was already in front of me. In a flash he raised his gun and pulled the trigger – the rope broke, its frayed end hanging listlessly from the tree, and she landed on the ground with a _thump_.

I ran over and knelt beside her. I wasn't a doctor, but Hakkai taught me a thing or two. I gave a sigh of relief – her neck wasn't broken, and she was still breathing. It was a _really_ good thing Sanzo reacted so quickly. It looked like she got a concussion, though.

I picked her up as carefully as I could, then turned around and grinned at Sanzo. "Good thing you came so fast. We've got to take her back, though – the temple's nearer, and I might've missed something."  
Sanzo made a sound of disgust. "Do whatever you want." He began to walk back. But then he stopped, turned his head and looked at me. "But if she tries that on the sacred tree, you deal with the monks."  
I smiled again. "Thanks, Sanzo!"

"Ch," was all he said, lighting a cigarette. "And make sure she doesn't bother me."

Sanzo

I have no idea why I wasted a good bullet on that girl. She was weak, and it was her choice to end her life. So why did I bother?

I don't know. I guess when Goku cried out, I really just acted in impulse. Damn, I really am getting too soft. It's because of that saru over there, I tell you. Not to mention eight years with those idiots.

I took another drag off my cigarette. Lucky for Goku, I was in a good mood today. And lucky for that kid, Goku _cared_. As for me, I'd have said she was more trouble than she was worth. But then – I'll never admit it out loud, but lately, when Goku looks at me like that I find it harder to say no.

So fine – let the monkey trouble himself with that girl if he wants to, but I won't have anything to do with it. It's his problem now, he made it so.

Of course, when we got to Chang'An, the priests threw a fit as soon as they opened the gates and saw her.

Goku eyed them in disgust for a second. "Can't you see she's hurt?!" he snapped. "She needs help _now, _so she stays here, at least till she's strong enough."

"Women aren't allowed in the temple!" one wailed. "She'll destroy its sanctity, especially what with her being a half – "

He shut up when both Goku and I looked at him at the same time.

"You were saying?" I asked coolly.

"N-nothing, Sanzo-sama," the priest stammered.

"Whether she stays or not isn't for _you_ to decide," another priest told Goku in a condescending tone. He then turned to me. "Sanzo-sama?"

About twelve pairs of eyes stared at me imploringly.

"Ch," I replied in disgust.

Well, unfortunately for them, they pissed me off just now. So I'd let Goku have his way, just this once.

"She stays in one of the temple rooms, but she's forbidden to go wandering around the other parts, and she leaves as soon as she's well enough to walk. And since _you_ picked her up, she stays in _your_ room."

Goku smiled brightly at me. "Thanks, Sanzo!"

The rest of them sighed and walked away in disgust, and Goku glared at their backs.

And after an examination by one of the monks, it turned out the redhead was fine, and she'd probably regain consciousness in a few hours. She just needed a lot of rest, then she'd be strong enough to leave.

I thought it'd all end there – no problem. I was so wrong.

Gojyo

"Pay up, guys," I smirked, showing them my cards. "Royal flush."

They all groaned resignedly, tossing their cards onto the table.

"One more round!" Another one cried brashly. I glanced at him. His face looked kind of red…so drunk, so early in the morning. Idiot still didn't know what he was getting into.

"No thanks, I've gotta go," I replied.

"Why, you scared?" the kid taunted. Ouch – said guy was about twenty-something years old. It made me feel pretty old…

I stiffened a little when I heard what he said, but I wasn't about to let that loser get a handle on me. After all, with age comes wisdom, and when it came to women and cards, I was still going strong.

"Nope," I smirked again. "I have an appointment – with a lady."  
One of the older men whistled. "Got a girlfriend now, eh?"

I almost twitched as a picture of Yokan flashed across my mind. Not unless I was a pedophile. Besides, she wasn't my type. Too depressed, and probably too traumatized to be any fun in bed.  
"Maybe," I replied, waving a hand in goodbye as I walked through the doors of the gambling house. "See ya."

I had to shield my eyes from the sun as soon as I was out, and the noise of the street hit me full blast – it was about mid morning, and everyone was busy toiling away at their jobs. A few call girls were standing around…I never went with them. I'd rather get it for free and with women who really want me.

As I got to the center of the town, it got even more crowded. Vendors were either standing behind their stalls or walking around carrying their wares, yelling and bragging about how cheap their prices were.

Soon I passed by Hakkai's school, and I was just a couple of blocks away from his house.

I was still about 20 meters from the place, but from there I could see the door swinging wide open, and I got this cold feeling at the bottom of my stomach.

"Gods, no," I muttered, and I started to walk faster. Before I knew it, I was running, and I slid to a stop in front of the doorway, expecting the worst…

…and everything was neat and in its right place – no broken glass, overturned tables or chairs – nothing. Only silence. That lonely, lonely silence that always seems to fill this place. Most people would think it's a cheerful house, at first, what with all the sunshine streaming in, but...after a while, the silence gets to you. It's not the peaceful kind of silence – it just feels empty.

And at that moment, the silence wasn't _helping_ anything. There wasn't any sign of anyone breaking in, but I still had that horrible feeling in my chest. In a couple of strides I was down the hallway. I threw the door to her room open, and my fears were confirmed.

And that's when I really felt like panicking. Where the hell had that girl gotten to?! All kinds of ideas started entering my head. Could she have been kidnapped?! Who'd want to kidnap her? Unless there was some maniac who wanted revenge on Hakkai, but I couldn't think of anyone who'd have something against Hakkai, no one we'd met in our journey, anyway. Unless it was someone who had something against _Yokan_?! Unless – I looked around her room once more. The bed was made, and apart from the piles of books in one corner of the room, everything was more or less neat. No signs of a struggle – the cross was hanging in its place over the bed. I knew from experience Yokan was pathetic at self-defense, but even she would have made a mess of the house trying. So…was she stupid enough to have left by herself? I calmed down there, and my mouth set in a grim line.

If that was the case, then the girl was in for it, as soon as I found her.

Then another thought came to me, and I got that cold feeling all over again. I went to Hakkai's room, and found a chest standing open. Lying on the floor were two copies of Gensomaden Saiyuki, and in the chest itself I could see a picture of Hakkai and Kanan.

"Oh, dammit," I muttered. "That idiot, idiot."

This was serious. I had to tell Hakkai, and now. Who knows where Yokan was by now? I could practically see Hakkai worrying himself sick over her.

I crossed my arms and sighed, a heavy weight settling itself in my chest. This was going to be a long, long day.

Hakkai

I buried my head in my hands as I sat on the pavement, trying to clear my head. As soon as Gojyo came running into the school, I knew something was wrong, and I managed to excuse myself for the day. We'd been searching the town ever since, to no avail.

And now, my anxiety was finally catching up with me. I breathed in and out, trying desperately to calm myself down.

I sensed Gojyo standing beside me, and felt him lay a hand on my shoulder.

Before I could even open my mouth to speak, he cut me off firmly, saying, "It wasn't your fault. Don't say it is, because it's not."

I gave a tired sigh and smiled ironically despite myself. And at this time I wasn't trying to hide anything. This smile came of its own accord.

Gojyo really could read my mind. Or was it only because I was becoming too predictable?

"How could she have gotten so _far_?" My voice cracked, again despite myself.

In spite of myself, I was losing control over my emotions, and this made me feel more helpless than ever. I hated this feeling of powerlessness.

To be completely honest, I had always felt that in my life, what I showed on the outside was the only thing I could really control. And I'd lost even that.

I could tell Gojyo was deeply disturbed by this emotional display of mine. But again, I couldn't help it. And still he tried to comfort me.

"Don't worry, Hakkai, we'll find her," he promised. "And if she was strong enough to get out, she can take care of herself till we find her."  
"I don't know _why_ I'm even bothering to search for her," I replied brokenly. "It's clear she wants nothing to do with me. It's only…I won't be able to rest without at least knowing she's all right."

"Bullshit, Hakkai," Gojyo replied harshly.

I looked up at him in surprise, and he looked slightly taken aback at the openness in my eyes. I wasn't even trying to hide anymore…I couldn't.

And I could understand his reaction; I was terrified of myself, too. I'd never felt so exposed…it was as though someone had torn into me, ripping me down to my bones, forcing me to show all my emotions for anyone to see.

And not just on my face…I knew Gojyo could see it all in my eyes. Because then…they glistened with tears, fifteen years' worth of tears. I just couldn't hold them in anymore.

I'd never thought Yokan's disappearance could shake me so. But then again…I'd lost Kanan. Now it felt as though this were happening all over again, despite the difference in circumstances. And even though I knew, somewhere, that Gojyo was right, it felt easier to blame myself. Blaming myself meant that somehow, I still had some control, it was only that I'd failed to exert that control.

And now, I couldn't find a way to prove that it _was_ my fault…but Yokan shouldn't have found those books, that picture. I would have told her, sooner or later…but she shouldn't have found out like that. Was she disgusted? Terrified? Either way…she wasn't able to accept it. That was why she ran away.

"Bullshit," Gojyo repeated, glaring down at me. "That girl cares about you. And she blames herself too much to hate anyone more than she hates herself. So do yourself a favor and _stop blaming yourself._ That's what I've told you from day one."

He squatted down in front of me and took me by my shoulders.

"I've seen you, Hakkai," he said quietly. "I've _seen_ you. It's been fifteen years, but you still love Kanan. And you're still hurting. And from the very beginning, when you found Yokan, she shook you. When you saw her, you saw Kanan's pain in her. So you took her in, and you loved her not just as your niece but as your daughter, the daughter you and Kanan never had. But even then it wasn't just that, was it? You were kind to her because you wanted to erase her pain, because that way you could erase Kanan's pain too. Without being fully aware of it you attached yourself to her, almost as much as you attached yourself to Kanan. Now she's gone again, and you _know_ she's hurting, and that's what tears you apart, and that's what you can't take. But let me tell you something Hakkai…if she's hurting from the truth, it's only because she believes she hurt you and Kanan. She always loved Kanan, and she felt guilty towards Gonou.

Take it from me; I _know _what that's like.

And I'm betting she learned to love you, and when she learned you and Gonou were one and the same, she couldn't take the guilt anymore. If you want her to stop hurting, you have to show her it's okay, that you don't blame her. And more than that you have to _stop hurting yourself_. Do you get me? We're going to find her, and you're going to tell her that."

I stared up at him incredulously. Even before now…even before I had completely exposed myself, he saw through me anyway. And he was right…

Just then, a wave of pain overwhelmed me, the tears flowed down, and I cried for all the things I'd tried so hard to hide over all these years. For my sadness, my self-hate, my bitterness, my fears.

Gojyo pulled me close to him, and for once, I leaned against him, burying my face in his chest. I'd always depended on this man, on his reassuring presence, but never had I shown this so openly. He was there for me from the beginning, and still was, but I'd never been more aware of it than at this moment. And for that I was grateful.

There, on the street, I sobbed my heart out. I no longer cared who saw me. Engulfed in my own pain, I let it all out. And contrary to what you may believe, it felt wonderful. I'd never felt freer in my entire life. And though part of my still felt terrified, I knew I was safe – I was, after all, with a friend I could trust.

A/N: Well, there you have it! Yokan's still alive, Hakkai worries himself sick and ends up losing all self-control, and Gojyo shows that he knows more than he lets on. Please oh please review, I've done my best to keep Sanzo and Goku in character but I know it still needs a LOT of work! Not to mention I'm getting the feeling that this turn of events is kind of cliché…But I really wanted to insert Sanzo and Goku somewhere! Hakkai's POV came as a surprise, too…I was only planning on showing Hakkai panicking while he and Gojyo looked for Yokan, but it turned out to be much more than that. I actually discovered something about Hakkai! Maybe this sounds weird, but I really wasn't expecting him to cry… ; Do you think his POV was too out of character? Or maybe Gojyo knew too much? Anyways, so there, constructive criticism is very much welcome! And many many thanks to The Great Peep for reading and commenting on this chapter twice before I posted it!

According to her, this chapter seems to hold Sanzo/Goku, Hakkai/Gojyo connotations/moments. I didn't really mean for it to turn out that way, but I _am_ a fan of those pairings, so if you want to take it that way it's fine by me = )

Whew, this is the longest author's note I've written so far…anyways again thank you so very much to all who reviewed, **Optimoose****, UltraM2000, The Great Peep ****Warren****, JillyBean3, Sakiko-chan, and Koryu-Sanzo! **So PLEASE PLEASE make my day and review again!


	8. Chapter 8

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters do not belong to me, they belong to Kazuya Minekura. Only Yokan and the plot belong to me, and I will kill anyone who tries stealing them. But who would? Moving on…

* * *

Sanzo

_Ever since he picked up that girl, Goku's been a little _too_ quiet. Normally I wouldn't mind, but …_

I heard a long sigh, and glanced up from my newspaper.

There he was, leaning on the table with his elbows, staring into space with a thoughtful, somewhat disturbed expression on his face. It was somewhat unnatural, but I didn't care, as long as it was quiet.

I ignored it and continued to read my newspaper.

Another looooong sigh.

I could feel a vein in my forehead beginning to throb.

Still, I ignored it once more and continued to read my newspaper.

It probably had something to do with that girl. She woke up a few hours ago, and I could hear her screaming from my room. I'd had half a mind to shoot her, since it was the middle of the night, but the screams died down before I could get up.

And again, Goku sighed.

I glanced up once more, the vein twitching quite visibly.

"Hey, monkey, if you're going to be all depressed, do it _quietly_," I growled.

"Huh?" Goku started and looked up at me. "What?"

I promptly hit him on the head with my harisen.

"_Owww_!"

"_That's_ what you get for not paying attention, monkey," I replied, trying to get back to the newspaper.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Goku sulking.

"It's just that I was thinking…"

"Ch, that's new."

"Mou, Sanzo, you don't have to be so mean!"

"Ch."  
"It's just that…" he continued, his voice growing soft, "I can't stop thinking about what she said when she woke up. She called Hakkai."

I wasn't really listening, but I managed to catch the last sentence. "Hakkai? What kind of idiot would mistake you for _Hakkai_"

Goku shook his head. "She didn't call _me_ Hakkai. It was more like…she woke up, and I don't think she could see very well, because she didn't notice me, and she called out for him. Then she saw me, and she kind of froze for a moment, and then she started _screaming_."

"Yes, I heard it," I said wryly.

"Yeah, but what she said was weird. She said," Goku imitated her in a falsetto, "'Get away from me! Get away from me!' And she really did look scared, as though I were about to do something horrible. I had to stand on the other side of the room before she calmed down, and even though I told her I wouldn't hurt her, she still looked kind of suspicious. She looked even more scared when I asked her how she knew Hakkai, and she said she didn't know anyone named Hakkai. So I just went to get her food, and when I came back she fell asleep again. I was kind of afraid to wake her up, but she seemed to trust me a little more, but she still wouldn't say anything. All she told me was that her name was Yokan, and 'thank you.'"

There was some silence as I absorbed his words. It was obvious this girl had been through some kind of abuse, something bad enough to make her afraid of people. Of course, waking up with a stranger sleeping beside you would scare anyone. Idiot…he should've thought of that.

And it wasn't any of my business what her connection with Hakkai was, even if I was a _little _curious about it. For all I knew it could be another Hakkai, even if there weren't a lot of people with that name. But if it did turn out to be the Hakkai I knew, and he came looking for her, I wouldn't hesitate to hand her over. Besides, why had the girl reacted in fear when Goku said his name? If she'd committed some crime against Hakkai and was running away from him…

_I'd better keep an eye on her,_ I decided. _And if she makes any trouble, I won't hesitate to kill her._

* * *

Yokan

Everything was blurry at first…I blinked twice, and in the midst of my confusion called out questioningly, "Hakkai?"

Suddenly everything came back; my vision cleared, and all the memories pierced me like a blow to the chest.

All the emotions of panic, hopelessness and self-disgust flooded over me as I remembered how I'd failed to do the one thing I might've done right. _I really am so pathetic. I couldn't even kill myself._

"Why did I have to doubt…?" I whispered.

_Was that what I really wanted to do? If I really wanted to die, why couldn't I do it? There's nothing for me in this world…_

_…or at least that's what I tell myself. But what could there be? _

In spite of myself, I saw Hakkai's face.

So I thought I had a home with Hakkai. Those times he'd been subtly forcing me to live, I was so sure I couldn't, even up to the last moment…but maybe that was only what I _thought_.

I felt my chest tighten as I finally understood.

Despite myself, I'd started to hope…I'd actually started to _depend _on him and Gojyo. Maybe that was why it struck me so hard, when I found out the truth…

And that's why I tried to kill myself…but I couldn't.

I smiled wryly. I was living for something I no longer had. And I wasn't even aware of what I'd had, till it was gone. How ironic, and how cliché. How utterly disgusting.

I wondered how Hakkai was. Knowing how protective he'd been, he was probably freaking out right now, with Gojyo doing everything he could to calm him down…I felt another twinge in my chest. _I'm sorry, Hakkai…but when you figure it out, if you figure it out…you're going to hate me. Because all the bad things that happened to you, those things that scarred you…they're all my fault. They're all because _I_ exist. Knowing that, how can you not hate me?_

My body felt sore all over…I realized I was in a bed – a futon, actually. Again. But not in Hakkai's house. No, this was some other place. I had no idea where I was.

Then it hit me…it was _night_. And beside me, there was _another _futon. And sleeping in that futon was a _man_. Said guy was staring sleepily at me, with slits of golden eyes.

"Hey," he said groggily, "Are you awake?"

It didn't take long for me to reach my conclusion, and once more, I panicked.

"Get away from me! Get away from me!" I screamed, bolting upright in bed.

_He didn't do it _already_, did he? No…I don't think so. My clothes are still on and everything…but what the hell was he doing beside me?! This can't be happening, this can't be happening!_

"Get away from me!" I yelled, pointing at him accusingly and pressing myself against the wall at the same time. "Don't come near! Don't touch me, don't you _dare _touch me! Go _away_!"  
_Ow__, my head _really _hurts…I shouldn't have yelled like that…_

My chest was heaving, and I stopped to catch my breath. I tried to blink back the tears that were forming in my eyes. _Damn, I hate being so weak and helpless…even if I hate myself, I don't ever want to go through that again…_

By this time, the guy had scrambled out of bed and was standing on the other side of the room. He looked pretty bewildered.

"Hey, it's not like I'm going to hurt you," he said, holding his hands up.

I just continued to glare at him. "Where am I? Who are you, and why the hell were you sleeping beside me if you weren't going to hurt me?!"

A look of horror crossed the man's face. "Hey, I'm not a pervert or anything! It's just that Sanzo said you had to stay in my room, and where else am I supposed to sleep?"

Before I could interrogate him any further, a thought seemed to occur to him.

"Hey, did you say Hakkai? How do you know him?"

I froze at the sound of his name, and all thoughts of this man being a potential rapist flew out of my mind. For the moment, anyway. _Shoot, was the guy awake enough to hear me?_

If this person knew Hakkai...if this was someone related to Gonou, who knew what he'd do? Even if I couldn't kill myself, it didn't matter to me whether I was killed by someone else…but if he called Hakkai…

I still didn't want to face Gonou. Or Hakkai.

"Hakkai?" I replied. "I don't know anyone named Hakkai…"

I sucked at lying, and it was obvious the man didn't believe me, but he said, "Okay…calm down, all right? I don't want you to hurt yourself. And, um…" he paused awkwardly, "Don't try to kill yourself, okay? Um…it's not worth it. You're probably hungry…I'll get you some food. By the way, I'm Goku. And don't make too much noise, or Sanzo might wake up and he'll be _really_ mad."

And with that, he left.

_That was weird…_I thought. _If it weren't for his height and build, I'd think this guy was my age…something about his aura, I guess…_

I slumped down to the floor, holding my head in my hands. When did I stand up? I couldn't remember. I supposed I could trust this person, but I wasn't going to take any chances, or let my guard down.

And who was this Sanzo he kept talking about? Was I in a temple, then? That man hadn't looked much like a monk…

And looking back, I _couldn't_ be blamed for panicking, what with that guy sleeping beside me, but I wondered why I'd stayed so calm when I woke up in Hakkai's house.

Maybe because he'd smiled at me so gently? No…if it was just that, I could easily have mistaken it for a perverted smile.

Probably more because of that presence he had…there was always something about it that felt so familiar, and soothing. Maybe it was that I wasn't aware of it then, but part of me sensed my mother in Hakkai. Maybe because he'd spent so much time with her when she was alive. Maybe he was a lot like her. Of course, I'd never know…

Again Hakkai's face flashed in my mind, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. For about the hundredth time in my life, I curled up into a ball and cried.

And as I drifted off to sleep, I heard voices…familiar voices, that always faded from my memory as soon as I opened my eyes.

_K-Ka…nan…_

_Oh. Did the woman die? How very kind. She wasn't forced to see her monster child._

_Her monster child…_

* * *

Hakkai

I flopped down on my bed. I felt completely drained and exhausted – it had been near midnight when we finally gave up. Rather, Gojyo insisted on returning home, and volunteered to stay with me.

"I'm not about to leave you alone in this empty house," he said. "It's not right without a redhead in that bed."  
I laughed and let it be – by that time my mask was beginning to slip back into place. It wasn't really because of conscious effort, but more out of force of habit.

And now, despite how tired I felt, I couldn't rest. My mind was too full of anxiety. How was Yokan faring? Yes, she'd lived on the streets for quite some time, but I couldn't help but recall her poor defense skills.

As I closed my eyes in an effort to sleep, one image burned itself in my mind. K_anan__…I loved you so much. I loved you so much it ached. Even if I know it was wrong, I could never find it in myself to blame you for taking your life…but what of your child?_

_I know it was because I was too late, but if only you'd been able to wait a little longer…if only you hadn't been so broken. _

_I would have helped you bear your pain and move on. I would have been strong for you, I would never have left your side. It could have been a new start for us, we would have gone to another village, and I would have loved your child as if she were our own. I know this because I've met her, Kanan. I know that if you could see her now, you would love her with all your heart, because you are that kind._

_She is beautiful, she looks exactly like you and bears no resemblance to that bastard of a demon. She thinks only of you, and how her existence hurt you, and she believes she has no right to live. She does not understand that it wasn't her fault; she does not know that you killed yourself not out of hate for her, but more out of hate for the demon who violated you. _

_When I watch her, it seems she mirrors both our pain so vividly, and it makes me look at her in a different way. _

_I want her to know you, Kanan. I want her to know how kindhearted you were, how wonderful you were, how you would have loved her. I want her to know the warmth you once brought to me._

_So if you will forgive me, Kanan…I will stop my penance and remember only those sweet memories of you…those shards of light that purify my blackened soul. They are the light that kept my heart open enough for Gojyo to enter, and they will heal Yokan. I want to do for her what you and Gojyo have done for me._

_I love you so much, Kanan. And though I have never believed in gods, I will pray that you are well and your soul is at peace._

* * *

A/N: Hi everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm not really happy with it, though…Is Hakkai becoming too repetitive, or is it just me? And Sanzo and Goku aren't quite as in-character as I'd like them to be…oh well, I guess I need more practice. ) Also, I apologize for taking so long, and I'm very sorry but due to school and a lot of extracurricular activities (Taekwondo! Fencing! Eww, Kumon…) not to mention the fact that I've kind of reached a fork in the road when it comes to this fic. There's a tiny plothole in this story (won't tell you what it is), and I have two choices: 

a) Use the plothole to make this story a lot longer. Depending on how I can manage it, the story could turn out to be a lot more interesting, or it could be a total flop. Plus it would take a whole lot longer for the next update to come.

b) Ignore the plothole completely and end this story in one or two chapters. If this option wins, I'll probably have the next chapter out before Christmas…yes, I really do take a long time updating ; I wish I could write faster…

Knowing what you guys think would really help me to decide! I hope you still like this story so far, reviews, constructive criticisms are very much appreciated!!

Speaking of which:

**Chobit**** 00: **LOL, glad you liked the name Yokan! It's funny actually…I looked it up on a Japanese online dictionary and it was defined as 'lingering winter', but when I looked it up in the school library's encyclopedia of Japan it said 'yokan' was a Japanese sweet! Anyways, here's your update! I hope you liked it! hands you a Sanzo cookie

**Cronus**Thanks for reading it And here's your update!

**Waterlily7763: **Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it, and that the characters aren't OOC. I've really been trying my best to keep them all in character, but you never know…anyways thanks again!

**Keruri1222:** Yaaaaaay thanks so much for your review! It really makes me happy when people whose stories I love also like my story! And thanks again for all those plushies! (hands you Sanzo-ikkou cookies)

**Isil**** Elen:** LOL, the first sentence really scared me back there! For a second I really thought I was going to be flamed! Anyways, thank you so much, I really love doing Hakkai's POV, because for some reason he's the easiest for me. I hope you continue to enjoy the story! I'd be glad to hear any suggestions on keeping the others in character, too.

**Sour Straw Roxors:** Thanks, I'm so flattered! I loved the last chapter of Saiyuki: An Unlikely Story! I hope you get to update it soon (man I am such a hypocrite)!

**Wasabii: **Glad you liked it!

**JillyBean3: **Yeah, she WILL hurt when she wakes up…and I feel kind of bad putting Goku through all that trouble. Oh well...Anyways I'm glad you liked the fic! I hope you enjoyed this chapter too!

**krazy-chan: **Thanks for giving To Live or Not To Live a chance, and I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Keep reviewing!

**Koryu-Sanzo**: LOL, silly me, of course you'd take the yaoi hints! Hey, I hope you get to update your fic soon! And thanks so much for reading mine!

**Kirusuchinu****-sama:** Well, here's your update!

**Maya:** I'm sorry you didn't like my fic, but thanks for reviewing anyway. I have to admire you for being so polite, not a lot of people would bother with that! Anyways, thanks for sharing your opinion with me, I'm more or less taking the things you said into consideration.

**Sinner, Cho Gonou: **Yay, Yokan's not a Mary Sue! That's kind of my number-one fear right now. Anyways, thanks so much, I hope you still enjoy the story!

Maaan, I just realized that was A LOT of reviews. Thanks so much guys, you've made me so happy! I hope I can do the same for you through my fic! Oh, and special thanks to **The Great Peep Warren**, my unofficial beta-reader, and **Reena** and **Cronus** for encouraging me with this fic!

- Silver on the Tree


	9. Chapter 9

To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.

Author's Note: WHOA, 76 reviews! Thank you so much, everyone! I would have ended this thing in Chapter 9, but you guys voted for a longer story, so here it is! I'm really flattered that so many of you wanted more, and I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I know most people don't consider school an excuse, but I can't write unless I know I have at least three free hours ahead of me. And thanks to school, that doesn't happen too often. But I promise I'll have the next chapter up before…um…October. Yes, October. I put my individual responses to the reviews at the end of the chapter! (puts on a bulletproof vest and helmet and flees from the angry mob)

Oh yeah, thanks to AnimeHeart07 for beta-reading this story and reminding/inspiring me to continue! She's the best!

* * *

Son Goku

She sat on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest.

Or that's what I think she was doing, coz when I opened the door, her head snapped around so that she was staring right at me. Her whole body went stiff, and her hands clenched into fists. Then she realized it was just me, and her hands unclenched, her body relaxed, but she was still watching me.

She always acts like this when I come in, so I'm used to it by now. She doesn't let me come closer than three feet, either.

"Hey Yokan!" I said, grinning. "How're ya feeling?"  
I guess when she stood up and screamed at me that night, it was what people call "adrenaline rush". She had a really bad headache the next morning, and couldn't sit up too fast without getting dizzy. I wonder how she managed to stand up and scream at all. But then again, Sanzo said the symptoms of concussions don't always show right away; sometimes it takes _weeks_ for them to come out.

Yokan winced. "Not so loudly, please," she said, her own voice so soft I barely heard it.

"Oh yeah, sorry," I said, grinning sheepishly. "I forgot."  
"It's okay," she replied.

I glanced around my room. There wasn't much stuff in it; I didn't spend much time there, after all. There was only the bed, and the closet, and the futon that I'd been using for the past few nights.

Yokan doesn't do much all day; she just sleeps and or sits up in bed and stares out the window.

I know the garden's really pretty, but didn't she get bored, sitting and staring at the same thing for three days?

I really wish I could get her outside, into the sunshine. The window's open, and it's always nice and bright in the room, but that's nothing compared to standing under its warmth, and being able to run around and be a part of everything, instead of just watching it all pass you by.

It's so quiet here, it's depressing. Looking at Yokan makes me remember those days when I was stuck in that cave. I hate thinking that she's trapped, just the way I was. It's not fair.

"Umm…I'm sorry I have to keep you cooped up in here," I said.

Yokan turned to look at me. "It's okay. I really don't care," she said, and I could hear the emptiness in her voice. I was shocked.

"Of course it's not okay!" I exclaimed. "How are you going to get better if you're stuck here doing nothing? How can you stand being stuck in here? How can you _not_ want to be out there?"

Yokan cringed and covered her ears; I guess my voice was too loud again. Then she looked up and glared at me. "Shut up. How could I _not _want to be out there? How could _you _understand? There's nothing for me out there but a lot of pain and danger. I can't even tell who might and might not hurt me anymore! I don't want to be with anyone, because someone always gets hurt, especially me! I just wanted to die. If I wasn't completely sure of it then, I'm sure of it now. I want to die, then no one can hurt me. Whatever they do with my body, I won't feel it! And there's people who'll be glad I'm dead. And I deserve to die. Why couldn't you let me die!"

She looked like she was trying really hard not to cry – she just went on glaring at me.

I opened and closed my mouth, trying to think of what to say. Then I remembered something Sanzo said a long, long time ago. "Can you really die like that? Just give up on everything?" I asked softly.

Yokan gave a short gasp, and her eyes widened a little; and I knew I reached her somehow.

"I heard Sanzo say this once: You can choose to run. You can choose to die. But dying won't _change_ anything. If you really want things to change, you're going to have to live."

Now it was Yokan who couldn't think of anything to say. She just looked away quickly and glared at the wall.

"Just think about it, okay? Don't give up," I said. I couldn't help but grin a little. Yokan was _sulking_, like a little kid. For some reason, watching her sulk because of something I said made me feel more grown-up. No wonder Hakkai smiles all the time, he's the most grown-up among the four of us.

"I'm going to go get something for your headache," I added. I turned around and left the room.

"Oi, saru, what's with that look on your face?" Sanzo asked when he saw me.

"Nothing," I said, not bothering to hide the smile on my face. "I'm going down to the village, okay?"

"Ch, why are you telling me? Anyway, get me some cigarettes while you're at it."

"Okay! See ya later!"

* * *

Sanzo

I glanced at Goku's room, only to see the door slightly ajar, a pair of red eyes peeking out at me.

I looked back at them and they quickly disappeared.

"Ch." Suddenly I felt very annoyed. _Stupid kid. Did she think I wouldn't notice?_

I stepped forward and threw the shoji door open.

The girl jumped back and continued to stare at me; her expression was that of surprise mixed with distrust. In fact, her behavior and body language was no different from that of a startled animal.

So this was the girl who'd caused so much trouble. Thanks to her, Goku was always running back and forth, getting food, getting water, looking for aspirins and God knows what else. Apart from that, all he ever talked about was Yokan, Yokan, Yokan. It was beginning to get on my nerves. It's bad enough when the monkey prattles on randomly, but it's worse when he talks about the same thing over and over again .

I disliked this girl from the very beginning. She'd attempted to take her life, meaning she was weak, _very_ weak. Just looking at her disgusted me.

Not to mention the fact that her being depressed was affecting Goku.

"If you take one step beyond this doorway," I stated calmly, "I will kill you."

Yokan raised an eyebrow, and I remembered too late that these kinds of threats would mean nothing to her.

"With all due respect, sir, I don't mind dying at all. In fact, if you could help me out with that, I'd be most grateful," she replied in a monotone voice, bowing.

"Unfortunately, I don't bother with idiots," I replied, lighting up a cigarette and resisting the temptation to blow smoke into her face. "I don't appreciate you disturbing my sleep, either. Just get well and get the hell out of here."

There was a brief silence.

"You're no ordinary priest, are you?"

I could feel a vein throbbing on my forehead. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

I took another drag and blew in her general direction. "Just don't make any trouble, or you will definitely pay. You've caused me enough problems as it is."

With that, I walked out of the room, crushing my empty cigarette pack and tossing it to the ground.

"That monkey had better get back soon," I muttered.

* * *

Yokan

As soon as that weird priest disappeared round the corner, I ran forward and shut the door. I leaned against it, panting. _Thank God no one else saw me!_

Of course, this kind of exertion was really bad for me, and my vision began to blur. I slid down against the shoji door and glanced down at my hands, only to see them shaking like mad. I don't know whether the sanzo noticed it or not.

Part of me knew he was a priest, meaning he was celibate and probably well-trained in suppressing whatever desires he might have had, but…_still._ There was another part of me that was still very, very afraid. A part of me and screamed, _shut the door! Don't let anyone see you, ever! No one will touch you again! Don't trust anyone, no matter who or what they are!_

I closed my eyes and remembered the look on his face; all I could see in it was complete and utter loathing. This man probably hated me too much to even touch me. The message in his eyes and the tone of his voice was clear: I was disgusting to him. I was an unwelcome burden, a thorn in his side.

If only everyone could_ hate me that much, I'd feel much safer. Maybe someday, someone would hate me enough to even kill me. I don't have the strength to kill myself. If only someone else could do it for me…_

_"You've caused me enough problems as it is…"_ Genjyo Sanzo's voice echoed in my mind.

I buried my face in my knees. _I know, I know already! I'm know I'm a burden to Goku, and a burden to you! You think I don't hear the priests grumbling out in the garden, or outside the door? Goku's a good person, as far as I can see anyway – he shouldn't have to take care of someone as hopeless as me. All I want is to die. Doesn't he have better things to do than nurse me back to health? He looks like someone who's really happy – how does being around me all the time affect him? I can tell he's always trying his best to smile at me, to make me feel better, to make me forget, but I can't. And no one should have to make that kind of effort for me. I just want to die, so why can't they let me die? I'm tired of being a burden to him…he doesn't deserve to be weighed down by someone like me…if only he could understand that. I can't change things by living if I'm cursed. The gods must hate me, if they let all this happen to me. Of course they would. So how can I change things when the gods hate me? It's not just that I'm taboo, like Gojyo. It must be because I'm the product of rape, and the only surviving child of Hyakuganmaoh. I'm the child of scum, therefore I _am_ scum. Maybe I'm paying for all the things he did._

_Since when did things become so bad, anyway? It was all after Michiko obaa-san died…_

I saw her face in my mind: the woman who'd taken me and raised me like her own. I'd forgotten all about her ever since I decided I was going to die. I really missed her, and the memories that came with her. She was like a mother to me.

And in those days, even if I already knew I was taboo, her reassurances always made me feel better. Because at that time, I thought my parents must have loved each other enough that they had me, even if it was a sin. I thought they must have loved me, too.

I smiled bitterly. I couldn't have been more wrong. Obaa-san was the only one who could have loved me. But she was gone now. And I could never understand how she could choose me over her own relatives. After all, I'd been nothing but a burden to her.

Suddenly, I wasn't just out of breath. I was exhausted. I let myself slide down to the floor so that I lay on my back.

In spite of myself, I began to remember those times. It had only been three years ago, but now it felt it'd been a lifetime ago. Back when things weren't perfect, but at least they were a lot simpler. When I didn't know anything about my mother or my father…back when I was pure.

_**"Obaa-san," my six year-old self asked, "What was my mother like?"**_

**_"Oh," she smiled, the wrinkles on her face suddenly multiplying, "your mother was a beautiful, kind woman. She was like an older version of you, with chestnut brown hair and green eyes."_**

_**"What about my father?"**_

_**She suddenly turned back to her cooking. "Would you pass me the pepper, dear? And check what the next ingredient is?"**_

**_'Honestly, mother, I don't know why you insist on keeping her. She's taboo, she'll bring you nothing but bad luck!' Their words continued to repeat in my mind as I lay in bed, trying not to look bothered. After all, I'd heard it a milliontimes before. I should have gotten used to it by then._**

* * *

****

**_She pulled the covers up to my chin and stroked my hair gently._**

**_"Listen, Yokan. Someday, you're going to grow up to be a beautiful young woman, just like your mother. I want you to ignore what they say; you belong here just as much as everyone else. Being a hanyou doesn't matter at all. Hopefully someday, humans and demons will live in peace again. But that won't happen in a long time. That's why you must be strong, and believe in yourself."_**

_It's not being taboo that really bothers me,_ I thought. _It's how I was born._

I could feel my eyes beginning to water, but I was sick of crying. Slowly, I forced myself to get up. I stumbled towards the table and tried to pour myself a glass of water.

The pitcher slipped through my hands and crashed to the floor.

"Oh, dammit," I cursed, staring at the shards scattered across the floor.

I tried to pick the pieces up, and somehow got a cut on my thumb – oh well, I could take care of that later. But then I couldn't take my eyes off the cut – off the blood that was slowly dripping down my arm.

Before I knew it, I'd picked up a particularly large piece of glass and drawn it across my arm, a few inches below the first one. More blood poured out.

_Dirty, impure, born of scum. You deserve this.  
_Suddenly, I had this insane urge to drain all the blood out of myself. It didn't matter whether I lived or not. I just wanted to be clean.

I slashed my arm once more – as the blood poured out, I felt so much better. Almost as if all the terrible feelings and problems were draining themselves out of my body. It didn't matter that it hurt. The pain was punishment, and I deserved it.

Suddenly my energy returned, and soon I was slashing at myself with a vengeance, gritting my teeth against the pain.

I heard the door open and without looking up, I stood and backed away, continuing to cut myself.

I know this sounds insane, but for the first time in my life I felt free, and I didn't want to let go of this feeling.

"What – _Yokan, no!_"

I heard footsteps advancing, saw the tanned hands restraining me.

"Leave me alone!" I screamed. "I deserve this! I deserve this!"

"No, you don't!" Goku grabbed the shard and threw it aside. I heard it shatter against the wall. He then took me by the shoulders and shook me. "_Yokan, look at me! _It's not right!"

I wasn't even listening to what he was saying. But as I looked past him, I froze.

Emerald eyes locked on to mine. Emerald eyes filled with remembered pain. Eyes that asked only one question: _Why?_

* * *

A/N :LOL, I think that's the best cliffhanger I've ever written. I hope the flashbacks weren't too cheesy, though...Anyways, reviews and constructive criticism are extremely welcome! 

**HarryPottergrl19:** Wow, you must have really been going through the archives to find THIS fic. On what page did you find it, I wonder? Anyways, thanks, I'm so glad you liked my story! You've inspired me to get off my lazy ass and finish Yokan's POV!

**AnimeHeart07: **Man, I know I told you this already, but you really gave me a scare! I was thinking, "who on the Internet would know my nickname!" Of course, it didn't take me long to figure it out. Anyways, thank you SO much for beta-reading my story!

**FairyMage: **Thank you so much for reading this and taking the time to review, I really appreciate it! I never really focused on Yokan before because I was afraid people would get sick of her. But now I'll do my best to really develop her character! You can probably expect Yokan's point of view to be a lot longer in the next chapter.

**Chelle Hakkai:** (blushes and stutters) I'm so flattered! I'm really so glad you're enjoying this fic! There are a lot of Saiyuki authors who are better than I am, though. You should really check out UltraM2000's fics, and Optimoose's, and Keruri1222's!

**Ceres Yukimura:** Wow, that's so cool! The idea of Kanan having a kid bugged me for the longest time, until finally I gave up trying to ignore it and wrote this! And about Kanan, I'm guessing she wasn't thinking too clearly when she killed herself. No one is (according to my teachers' Powepoint presentations on teen suicide, anyway). But then again, your point of view is really interesting! I've read a couple of drabbles about Kanan not really loving Hakkai, and they were always interesting and well-written, but really sad. Anyway, thank you so much for reading this story! I'm glad you like it, and that you don't think Yokan's a Mary Sue!

**YJ: **We'll see in the next chapter! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

**BradenIsMyMonkey:(** laughs) I love your username! Anyway, Kanan IS Hakkai's sister. It says so in the manga. They don't make it obvious in the anime, though, so some people end up thinking she's his wife or girlfriend. Thanks for reading and reviewing and voting! I'm so glad you like this story!

**Optimoose:** LOL, yes, they probably WOULD miss something. I'm beginning to wonder if Goku and Sanzo really would have separated from Gojyo and Hakkai, too. If they make it out alive, that is. Also, I'm so glad that I got it right this time! I worked really hard on it! When all this is finished, I'll probably go back and change how Yokan reacts to Hakkai.

**Onigiri Monster: **LOL, I definitely took my time. I hope you enjoyed chapter 9!

**Denko Reba:** Thanks for voting! I hope you liked this chapter!

UltraM2000: LOL, now I know which version of Saiyuki you watched Now that I read Chapter 8 again, Hakkai swearing DOES seem a bit unbelievable. But then, I figured if there was anyone he could have hated enough to swear at, it would be Hyakuganmaoh. Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you liked this chapter!

**Isil Elen:** I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Part of the reason it took so long was because I was having a lot of difficulty thinking of how Goku would have changed or stayed the same over the years…I hope this Goku is believable! I had a lot of fun writing him once I got inspired enough. I wonder if Sanzo's become too soft in this chapter…Yokan gave me the biggest headache ever. Oo I inspired you to write a fic! That's awesome, I feel so flattered! I can't wait to see it! D

**Keruri1222:** Hakkai's my favorite too! And he's definitely the easiest for me to write I sometimes feel bad for putting him through all this. And the worst is yet to come… Goku, Sanzo and Yokan just give me the biggest headaches. It's probably because the three of them are so different from me. It's funny, actually – in the beginning, Yokan was pretty much a self-insertion, but then she sort of grew away from me. I don't know how to explain it, but now I see her as a completely different person, and I don't always understand her. Geez, I created her, I'm SUPPOSED to understand her! Anyway, I'm glad you think I've improved! And don't worry about your review being long, I LOVE long reviews! The thing is, I end up giving long responses…anyways, enough with my blabbing. Thanks for reading and reviewing, I truly appreciate it! (hug)


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